Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It

by Gabor Maté

The parent who can tolerate her anxiety does not need to respond to the child with anger, emotional coldness or pleading. The child is not under pressure to change his behavior immediately in order for the parent to feel comfortable. If the parents do not react with their usual anxious manner and their voices do not convey anger or despair, the child himself will not feel further anxiety. If the child knows that the parent is okay even if the child is not okay, he feels safer. Whatever his immediate response may now be, it no longer has the power to escalate the conflict. He can relax a little. When he does not have to put up defenses against parental hostility, the child can more easily get in touch with his deep-seated wish to be part of the family circle or with his sadness at feeling excluded from it. When the child shows even a hint of his vulnerability, in place of his defenses, the parent can immediately move in and establish contact. The child can feel secure with a parent whom he cannot reduce to his own level of functioning. When safety is established, growth takes place.