when the black tiredness inevitably followed, I would be subdued back into the recognition that I had a bad disease, one that could destroy all pleasure and hope and competence. I began to covet the day-to-day steadiness that most of my colleagues seemed to enjoy. I also began to appreciate how draining and preoccupying it had become just to keep my mind bobbing above water. It was true that much got done during the days and weeks of flying high, but it was also true that one generated new projects and made new commitments, which then had to be completed during the grayer times. I was
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