Tweak: Growing Up On Methamphetamines

by Nic Sheff

I still feel hopelessly inadequate about myself and my life.

again. I wonder to myself if maybe there is something chemically wrong with me.

So far I haven’t met anyone that I could possibly have a relationship with.

By myself I felt like I was nothing.

John Lennon says that “living is easy with eyes closed.” I want to close my eyes. I want to close my eyes so badly.

Writing gives me a purpose.

I just want my mind to stop—to become completely empty.

We are living to experience the undiluted amazement of life on life’s terms.

the only thing that ever really gives us any genuine satisfaction is caring for other people.

The only thing that actually makes life more fulfilling is our love for others.

The satisfaction of being there for someone else is unparalleled.

“As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are—what others say is irrelevant.”

I’m still not comfortable with my goddamn self. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.

Why did I look at them? Why was my first response to seek their approval?

There are all these feelings surging like breaking waves inside me.

There is nothing but now and I try to hold on to that. The past is gone, the future hasn’t happened yet. This, right here, is all there is.

But I want her. It is a desire stronger than anything else and I’m not sure what to attribute that to.

It’s like if the music is loud enough, I won’t be able to listen to my own thoughts.

I don’t know why the ground falls away underneath me so fast. I never even see it happening.

It’s not as though I’d want to do anything proactive, like actually dying. No, I just want to disappear—to simply become part of the ethos, or whatever. I don’t know who I am and my body feels beyond repair. It is sunken down to nothing.

They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Well, the problem of being human isn’t really so temporary and sometimes a permanent solution seems like the best possible way out.

It’s a feeling I thought maybe I’d lost.