Tweak: Growing Up On Methamphetamines

by Nic Sheff

“No,” he continues. “The life I’ve built for myself sober is better than any high a drug could ever give me. I’m going to tell you something right

“The life I’ve built for myself sober is better than any high a drug could ever give me. I’m going to tell you something right now, okay?”

“Being sober isn’t just about not using. Being sober is about the joy a life of clarity and living by spiritual principles can bring. There is nothing greater than that. Forget drugs. Forget needles. Forget everything. We are living to experience the undiluted amazement of life on life’s terms. And Nic, if I...

what real life has to offer and it is not cruel and oppressive—it is ecstatic. It is ecstatic far beyond a drug like Ecstasy, or this fucking morphine. It is possible to know peace. It is possible to watch all...

You are a good man. I only wish I could become as good a man as you.”

Emmet Fox’s Sermon on the Mount.

Fox’s interpretation of Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount is fairly liberal. He believes, as far as I can tell, that the kingdom of heaven is inside each one of us. He also believes that our thoughts create our realities. If one is thinking only about God and constantly praising him/her/it, then they shall know nothing but peace, love, and freedom. Sickness, depression, whatever—those are all manifestations of our own negative thinking.

Well, Fox says there are also spiritual laws that are just as real and unchanging as anything some scientist can prove in a test tube.

Fox says there are also spiritual laws that are just as real and unchanging as anything some scientist can prove in a test tube. On a spiritual plane, if you are open, giving, and kind, you will be rewarded these things tenfold. They may not come back to you in the same manner they were given. Often it is an internal gift that you receive. For instance, if you find a wallet on the street with five hundred dollars in it, you can keep the money and spend it on a couple pairs

On a spiritual plane, if you are open, giving, and kind, you will be rewarde...

Basically you just replace one thought with another and, you know, it seems to work. It really does kind of change things.

So I read from The Sermon on the Mount to Spencer. The chapter is about Jesus’s whole “blessed are the meek” thing. Meek, in this sense, being described as constantly giving God the credit for all the good things in your life. I don’t know.

“blessed are the meek” thing. Meek, in this sense, being described as constantly giving God the credit for all the good ...

transcend human suffering and selfishness and nonconnection with God—assuming all the time that there is some sort of God there, or at least, a higher self.

All I’ve done is follow his directions like my whole life fucking depended on it, and it seems to help.

And suddenly I do feel like I belong somewhere.

I look at him and want so badly to be authentically a part of it—really a part of his family.

mean, going back to college and all. Maybe it’s an example of what the twelve-step program is all about—helping others to help yourself. It seems like when I focus on helping others, it helps me not want to get high. I just wonder how I can incorporate that more fully in my life.

what the twelve-step program is all about—helping others to help yourself. It seems like when I focus on helping others, it helps me not want to get high. I just wonder how I can incorporate that more fully in my life.

It’s named after her mother, Henrietta—my step-grandmother. I haven’t seen her since I broke into her house maybe three years ago, when I was living on the street. I fell asleep in her basement. She found me under a pile of laundry and all I wanted to do was keep sleeping, but I was so embarrassed and scared and everything, that I just ran out of there.

I read the book, Henrietta, to Lucy.

I think back on the times we spent together. I’ve alienated so many people—destroyed so many relationships—and yet here I am, lying next to Lucy, reading her this book. And, if nothing else, what Spencer stresses to me over and over is that we only have this one moment: NOW.

I’ve alienated so many people—destroyed so many relationships—and yet here I am, lying next to Lucy, reading her this book. And, if nothing else, what Spencer stresses to me over an...

That is all there is. And I have this, for now. I just wish I could figure out how to keep my fucking mind from going all over the place—dwelling on all the loss and pain and everything I’VE DONE—then jumping off into the future to how impossible it all seems.

And I have this, for now. I just wish

could figure out how to keep my fucking mind from going all over the place—dwelling on all the loss and pain and everything I’VE DONE—then jumping off into...

It’s thoughts like these that used to make me stick a...

“Talk to God about it, don’t talk ...

“God, thank you for my life today. Thank you for guiding me. Thank yo...

Praying helps some, though I can’t get my thoughts to slow down and stop torturing me with my past.

But everyone does follow these very specific teachings and doctrines. And, like any other cult, they have offered me a place to feel safe and a part of something whereas before I was anchorless and had no direction. But then I feel guilty questioning any of this—like I’m betraying them all. I guess I just struggle with belonging to any organization. I always feel like I should be able to do it on my own. My ego tells me I’m better than this twelve-step crap. I want to rebel against it, though of course, I don’t really have any options. If this doesn’t work for me, then nothing will and I’ll die strung out on drugs. This program has to work. It has to.

I absolutely want recovery. I need recovery. I am

trying as hard as I know how to make this work. If I can turn the key somehow—unlock whatever—then I will finally find the peace offered in this program. I dig into every syllable—falling asleep like that, searching.

Honestly, it’s so hard for me not to exercise. I just have this feeling of total failure when I don’t do it.

None of them seem as crazy obsessive about everything as I am. It’s strange ’cause I had the same feeling in high school that I have here in the fucking twelve-step program.

I turn from these extremes of feeling on top of the fucking world—to feeling so despondent. They don’t have to struggle like I do—or maybe that’s just me comparing my goddamn insides to everyone else’s outsides. But I swear to God,...

lives. When I asked to talk to them, he refused. I understood, but it made me cry some after I got off the phone.

My dad is not willing to help me with rent or give me any money at all, but he did offer to help pay for me to get into therapy.

falling down as deeply into my depression. I admitted to my dad that I was concerned about being off all my meds.

Spencer, of course, is intensely against taking any kind of medication for psychiatric reasons.

Not only am I not using anymore, but I’m not fighting cravings all day. In some ways, I can’t even relate to the person I was, living out of my car—fucked up and crazy. What else can I attribute that to than following Spencer and the rest of the people in this twelve-step thing?

But at this point, I just feel like things shouldn’t be so fucking hard. The depth of my isolation goes past anything I’ve heard my friends talk about.

But I don’t think that takes away from how much certain medications can help people.

Even though I never found that antidepressants solved all my problems, they did help some.

The heading is “Bipolar disorder (manic depression).”

“You see those bullet points there?” she asks. I scroll my eyes down the page. “Yeah.” “Tell me if you can relate to any of those.”

I read over what she’s given me—a list of symptoms for what they c...

It talks about feelings o...

decreased need for sleep, excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high risk of painful consequences—like doing drugs, sexually acting out, or whatever. I can...

On the next page is a list of symptoms of what they call major depressive disorder. Mostly it’s just feelings of extreme hopelessness or lack of interest in normal activities. They describe feelings of worthlessness and wanting to die. “Do any of those ...