Tweak: Growing Up On Methamphetamines

by Nic Sheff

If I wasn’t dating someone, I was searching for someone to date. It made me feel more complete. By myself I felt like I was nothing. I guess I still feel that way. Right now I have nobody. And, ironically, sometimes twelve-step meetings just make me feel worse. They remind me what a loser I am. The days that I don’t work are even harder. All this free time makes me go crazy. I have all this anxious energy in me that I just can’t release. This morning I got up and rode my bike for eighty miles. I pedaled up the PCH to Trancas Canyon. It takes over an hour to ride out there, then the climb to the top is another hour, then I have to ride back. As I stood in the shower after the long ride, I felt a rare clarity in my head. It was like my thoughts had finally turned off; I was literally too tired to think. But now I’ve drunk a cup of coffee and eaten some cereal and my mind is just going again.