The Happiness Project

by Gretchen Rubin

people’s lives are far more complicated than they appear from the outside. That’s why, as part of my resolution to “Be generous,” I meant to cut people slack. The “fundamental attribution error” is a psychological phenomenon in which we tend to view other people’s actions as reflections of their characters and to overlook the power of situation to influence their actions, whereas with ourselves, we recognize the pressures of circumstance. When other people’s cell phones ring during a movie, it’s because they’re inconsiderate boors; if my cell phone rings during a movie, it’s because I need to be able to take a call from the babysitter. I tried to remember not to judge people harshly, especially on the first or second encounter. Their actions might not reveal their enduring character but instead reflect some situation they find themselves in. Forbearance is a form of generosity.

as part of my resolution to “Be generous,” I meant to cut people slack. The “fundamental attribution error” is a psychological phenomenon in which we tend to view other people’s actions as reflections of their characters and to overlook the power of situation to influence their actions, whereas with ourselves, we recognize the pressures of circumstance.

forbearance is a form of generosity

Flannery O’Connor put this precept another way: “From 15 to 18 is an age at which one is very sensitive to the sins of others, as I know from recollections of myself. At that age you don’t look for what is hidden. It is a sign of maturity not to be scandalized and to try to find explanations in charity.” “Find explanations in charity” is a more holy way of saying “cut people slack.”

Just as Woody Allen said that “eighty percent of success is showing up,” a big part of friendship is showing up. Unless you make consistent efforts, your friendships aren’t going to survive.

Familiarity, it turns out, breeds affection. The “mere exposure effect” is the term for the fact that repeated exposure makes you like music, faces—even nonsense syllables—better. The more often you see a person, the more intelligent and attractive you’ll find that person. I’d noticed this about myself. Even when I don’t take an immediate liking to someone, I tend to like him or her better the more often we see each other. And at the same time, the more I show up, the more that person likes me.

Not infrequently, long-term happiness requires you to give up something that brings happiness in the short term. A good example? Gossip. When people gossip, they generally criticize other people, mostly for violating social and moral codes. Despite its bad reputation, gossip plays an important social role by reinforcing community values: it makes people feel closer to each other, it unifies people who play by the rules, it helps people get a sense of the values of their community, and it exposes the misbehavior of those who cheat on their spouses, don’t return phone calls, or take credit for others’ work. Interesting tidbit: both men and women prefer to gossip to women, because women are more satisfying listeners. But although gossip may serve an important social function and it’s certainly fun, it’s not a very nice thing to do—and I always felt bad after a gossipy conversation, even though I enjoyed it at the time. I wanted to stop telling unkind stories, making unkind observations (even if factually accurate), or being too inquisitive about sensitive subjects. Even expressions of concern can be tricked-up forms of gossip: “I’m really worried about her, she seems down, do you think she’s having trouble at work?” That’s gossip. Even harder, I wanted to stop listening to gossip. I was at a meeting when someone mentioned of mutual acquaintances, “I heard that their marriage was in trouble.” “I hadn’t heard that,” someone replied. So fill us in! was the implication of her ton...

spontaneous trait transference

Smile more frequently. Studies show that you tend to like people who you think like you; and that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct effect on how friendly you’re perceived to

Actively invite others to join a conversation. This is polite and appreciated by everyone. A person outside the conversation is relieved to be inside, and a person already in the conversation feels good that the kind gesture has been made.

Create a positive mood. Don’t focus attention on something negative, such as the long line at a bar or a bad experience on the subway.

Samuel Johnson said, “To hear complaints is wearisome alike to the wretched and the happy.”

Open a conversation. Talk about the immediate circumstances: the reason for the event, the decor of the room, or even that old chestnut, the weather. A friend checks Google News right before he goes into any social situation to find a piece of news to use as a conversational hook: “Did you see that…?”

Try to look accessible and warm. Nod and say “Uh-huh,” lean forward to show interest, try to catch every word, have good eye contact, use an energetic and enthusiastic tone, try to match the speed of the other person’s speech. You want to try not to glance around the room, sit with your legs extended, or turn your body away from your interlocutor—these postures show a lack of engagement.

Show a vulnerable side and laugh at yourself.

Show a readiness to be pleased. Most people would prefer to make people laugh than to laugh themselves; to educate rather than to be educated. It’s important to allow yourself to be amused and to be interested. After all, one of the most delightful of pleasures is to please another person.

Follow others’ conversational leads. I often feel a perverse desire to thwart a person who is trying to drive a conversation in a particular way. I remember chatting with a guy who clearly wanted to talk about the fact that he had once lived in Vietnam, because he mentioned it a couple of times, casually and extremely tangentially. I should cooperate when I can tell that someone wants to talk about a certain issue.

Ask questions.

when making friends, you’ll find it easier to befriend someone who is already the friend of a friend. “Triadic closure” helps explain why I enjoy my kidlit book group and my writers’ groups so much. Friendship thrives on interconnection, and it’s both energizing and comforting to feel that you’re building not just friendships but a social network.

Forget the past. Do stuff. Talk to strangers. Stay in touch. Stop the venting and complaining. Go outside. Spread joy. Never bother with people you hate. Don’t expect it to last forever. Everything ends and that’s okay. Stop buying useless crap. Make mistakes. Give thanks: for the ordinary and the extraordinary. Create something that wasn’t there before. Notice the color purple. Make footprints: “I was here.” Be silly. Be light. Be the kind of woman I want my daughters to be. Shit happens—count on it. Friends are more important than sex. Choose not to take things personally. Be loving and love will find you. Soak it in. This too shall pass. “Be still, and know that I am God.” Remember, everyone’s doing their best all the time. Get a hold of yourself, Meredith! Imagine the eulogy: how do I want to be remembered? Expect a miracle. I am already enough. Let it go, man. Light a candle or STFU. Recognize my ghosts. What do I really, really, really want? Help is everywhere. What would I do if I weren’t scared? If you can’t get out of it, get into it. Keep it simple. Give without limits, give without expectations. React to the situation. Feel the danger (many dangers—saturated fat, drunk driving, not making deadlines, law school—don’t feel dangerous). Start where you are. People give what they have to give. Be specific about my needs. Let go, let God. If you’re not now here, you’re nowhere. Play the hand I’m dealt. Own less, love more. One is too many; a hundred aren’t enough. Not...

As for me, six months into the project, I could say that although, as I’d realized in April, my basic temperament hadn’t changed, each day I felt more joy and less guilt; I had more fun, less anxiety. My life was pleasanter with cleaner closets and a cleaner conscience. One thing that had surprised me as my project progressed was the importance of my physical state. It really mattered whether I got enough sleep, got regular exercise, didn’t let myself get too hungry, and kept myself warm. I’d learned to be more attentive to keeping myself feeling energetic and comfortable. On the other hand, one thing that didn’t surprise me was that the most direct boosts to my happiness came from the steps I devoted to social bonds. Jamie, Eliza, and Eleanor, my family, my friends—it was my efforts to strengthen those relationships that yielded the most gratifying results. What’s more, I noticed that my happiness made it easier for me to be patient, cheerful, kind, generous, and all the other qualities I was trying to cultivate. I found it easier to keep my resolutions, laugh off my annoyances, have enough energy for fun. But the areas that had been toughest for me when I started were still the toughest. When I looked back on my Resolutions Charts, I could see definite patterns. The checks and X marks revealed that I was continuing to struggle to keep my temper, to go off the path, and to be generous, among many other things. In some ways, in fact, I’d made myself less happy; I’d made my...

Benjamin Franklin, who reflected of his own chart: “On the whole, though I never arrived at the perfection I had been so ambitious of obtaining, but fell far short of it, yet as I was, by the endeavor, a better and a happier man than I otherwise should have been had I not attempted it.”

Money satisfies basic material needs. It’s a means and an end. It’s a way to keep score, win security, exercise generosity, and earn recognition. It can foster mastery or dilettantism. It symbolizes status and success. It buys time—which can be spent on aimless drifting or purposeful action. It creates power in relationships and in the world. It often stands for the things that we feel are lacking: if only we had the money, we’d be adventurous or thin or cultured or respected or generous. Before I could figure out my resolutions for the month, I had to clarify my thinking about money.

I kept seeing the argument “Money can’t buy happiness,” but it certainly seemed that people appear fairly well convinced about the significance of money to their happiness. Money is not without its benefits, and the opposite case, though frequently made, has never proved widely persuasive. And in fact, studies show that people in wealthier countries do report being happier than people in poorer countries, and within a particular country, people with more money do tend to be happier than those with less. Also, as countries become richer, their citizens become less focused on physical and economic security and more concerned with goals such as happiness and self-realization. Prosperity allows us to turn our attention to more transcendent matters—to yearn for lives not just of material comfort but of meaning, balance, and joy. Within the United States, according to a 2006 Pew Research Center study, 49 percent of people with an annual family income of more than $100,000 said they were “very happy,” in contrast to 24 percent of those with an annual family income of less than $30,000. And the percentages of reported happiness increased as income rose: 24 percent for those earning under $30,000; 33 percent for $30,000 to under $75,000; 38 percent for $75,000 to under $100,000; and 49 percent for more than $100,000. (Now, it’s also true that there may be some reverse correlation: happy people become rich faster because they’re more appealing to other people and their happiness hel...

hedonic treadmill

when one loves one does not calculate~therese of liseaux

one sentence journal