Boundaries in Marriage

by Henry Cloud

David got to work on himself with zeal. But as he was working, I could smell a rat, and so could Kate. Every time David would declare a “victory” of sorts, he would push for Kate to take him back and let him move back in. In short, it became clear that he was cleaning up his act to win her back. I told David in no uncertain terms that I would not recommend to Kate that she allow him to come back until he convinced me that he was interested in getting better for himself and not for her. Until “holiness” was important to him apart from what she wanted from him, he was not truly holy. I also told him that he could move back in with her when he was no longer demanding to move back in. David got really depressed. This is when his truly hard work began. I had taken away his goal and motivation for change. He wanted to change just to get his wife back. In reality, this is not a bad motivation, but it is never enough, nor should it be primary. The primary reason for growth must be that one is “hungering for righteousness”—not for someone else, but for oneself. Ultimately, this is the only way that anyone is going to have life, when he hungers for it and pursues it with everything he has.