Boundaries in Marriage

by Henry Cloud

Growth was needed on both sides. First, Jerry had to “get it.” I had to do several things with him. He had to learn how to accept the reality of who Genie was, depression and disorganization included. He had to learn that he was married to all of her, her infirmities included. And he had to learn what unconditional love means. I had to coach him in the realities of depression and also Genie’s very real inabilities. She did not have the ability to “just snap out of it,” nor did she have the ability to just “get organized.” Both were real limitations he was going to have to accept and love her in the midst of. Second, Jerry had to learn not to be judgmental of her, but be supportive and find ways he could work with her. This included giving up some of the things he wanted that she could not do. Giving up expectations was not easy for him, but he was open and teachable, albeit frustrated! It helped when he looked at some of his own inabilities and could empathize and identify with hers. He had some failures in his own life. I helped him to see that she was no different. And Genie had to accept herself. She had been fighting the fact that she had a problem. She had not faced the realty of her inability. This realization is an important step in fixing anything. She had been stuck in the “should’s.” She had been saying, “I should be able to do more. I should not be so unorganized.” She was still protesting the reality of who she was. She had to get to the point of saying, “I wou...