Boundaries in Marriage

by Henry Cloud

Stephanie had a hard time understanding that. What he really was saying was that it was not a good time for him.

Their relationship was more “for him” than it was “for them,” or even “for her.”

Commitment may be strong, but love, intimacy, and deep sharing are not present. Why does this happen with two people who are so committed to the relationship?

When boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well. Or such marriages don’t grow past the initial attraction and transform into real intimacy.

What is a boundary? In the simplest sense, a boundary is a property line.

very important. If I know where the boundaries are in our relationship, I know who “owns” things such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors as well. I know to whom they “belong.” And if there is a problem with one of those, I know to whom the problem belongs as well. A relationship like marriage requires each partner to have a sense of ownership of himself or herself.

“Why do you … ?” The answer given was always something about the other person.

Adam blamed his behavior on his wife.

“If it were not for you, I would be a more loving, responsible person.”

If we can discover who is responsible for what, we have an opportunity for change.

Responsibility also involves action.

He learned what Proverbs teaches us—that a lack of boundaries and anger go hand in hand: Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit” (Proverbs 25:28 NASB).

Each spouse must take responsibility for the following things: Feelings Attitudes Behaviors Choices Limits Desires

Thoughts Values Talents Love

We allow ourselves to get pushed beyond certain limits and then become resentful or powerless. We do not turn desires into accomplished goals, or we do not deal with our sick desires.

Marriage is not slavery. It is based on a love relationship deeply rooted in freedom. Each partner is free from the other and therefore free to love the other. Where there is control, or perception of control, there is not love. Love only exists where there is freedom.

God created us free. He gave us responsibility for our freedom. And as responsible free agents, we are told to love him and each other.

As love grows, so does freedom, leading to more responsibility, and to more love.

The spouses were free to not react to the other, they each took responsibility for their own issues, and they loved the other person even when he or she did not deserve it. She

Remember, where there is no freedom, there is slavery, and where there is slavery, there will be rebellion. Also, where there is no responsibility, there is bondage. Where we do not take ownership and do what we are supposed to do with our own stuff, we will be stuck at a certain level of relationship, and we will not be able to go deeper. Love can only exist where freedom and responsibility are operating. Love creates more freedom that leads to more responsibility, which leads to more and more ability to love.

In other words, boundaries need to be permeable. They need to keep the bad out and allow the good in.

Boundaries are basically about self-control.

yard, you do not build it to figure out the boundaries of your neighbor’s yard so that you can dictate to him how he is to behave. You build it around your own yard so that you can maintain control of what happens to your own property. Personal boundaries do the same. If someone trespasses your personal boundaries in some way, you can take control of yourself and not allow yourself to be controlled, or hurt,

And ultimately, self-control serves love, not selfishness. We hope that when you take control of yourself, you

and intentionally so that you and your spouse can have the i...

Your words, or lack of them, define you to another person. Remember Stephanie, the wife in

being honest and truthful about ourselves and what is going on in a relationship provides boundaries. Not being truthful to one another gives a false impression of where we are, as well as who we are.

If we are not being truthful with each other, our real relationship goes into hiding. Then, instead of one real relationship, we have two relationships: the outside relationship, which is false; and the inside, hidden relationship, which is true. Intimacy is lost, and so is love. Love and truth must exist together.

we just use words, others sometimes do not “get the message.” In fact, people in denial are deaf to words of truth. They only respond to pain and loss. Consequences show where our boundary line is.

Some spouses need severe consequences like separation.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs

Distance can provide time to protect, time to think, time to heal, and time to learn new things. In severe cases, protective separation prevents actual danger. Physical

addiction Separating from physical abuse

“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it” (Proverbs 27:12). Physical

“How do I handle my husband’s lack of intimacy?” or “What should I say to my wife when she overspends?” Many couples struggle with these important issues.

learning principles helps more than learning techniques.

principles by which to structure your marriage.

As with the laws of science, such as the law of gravity and the law of electromagnetism, the laws of boundaries are always in force, whether or not we are aware of them.

The laws of boundaries lay the foundation of how responsibility works in life.

When we do loving, responsible things, people draw close to us. When we are unloving or irresponsible, people withdraw from us by emotionally shutting down, or avoiding us, or eventually leaving the relationship.

In their marriage, Randall was sowing anger, selfishness, and withdrawal of love. These hurt Amy’s feelings and disrupted the family.

Yet Randall was not paying any consequences for wh...

“playing,” and Amy was “paying.” And because of this, he was not changing his ways. Randall had no incentive to change, as Amy, not he, was dealing with his problem.

“Honey, I know you’re under stress, and I want to support any way I can. But your withdrawal and rage hurt me and the children. They are unacceptable. I want you to talk more respectfully to us when you’re in a bad mood. The next time you yell at us like that, we’ll need some emotional distance from you for a while. We may leave the house and go to a movie or see some friends.” Then Randall would have to deal with the result of his actions: loneliness and isolation.

God designed marriage to be a place not only of love, but of growth.

The old saying “You always hurt the one you love” is true.

It is an act of love to allow our spouse to reap the effects of his selfishness or irresponsibility—unless, of course, we are acting out of revenge or a desire to see our spouse suffer.

Boundaries are the key to obeying this Law of Sowing and Reaping. When we set and keep limits with our spouse, we are saying to him, “I may love you, but I’m not paying for your problems.”

The relational part of marriage involves the emotional tie two people have to each other, such as how deeply connected they are and how they feel about each other, both positively and negatively. The functional part of marriage has to do with the “doing” aspects of the relationship, such as paying bills, managing time, cooking meals, keeping house, and rearing children.

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