Boundaries in Marriage

by Henry Cloud

make the word no a good word in your marriage,

this could become a game of Ping-Pong, I looked to the

boundaries need to be permeable. They need to keep the bad out and allow the good in.

Damn okay

Boundaries are about yourself.

strengthening. Use others to teach you boundaries. Use counselors, friends, or pastors

Damn okay

for her life, he was

as well. But it had all started with Stephanie doing some serious boundary work: defining herself, taking ownership and responsibility for what was hers, realizing her freedom, making some choices, doing the hard work of change in the relationship and not away from it, and learning to love instead of comply.

Proactive people keep their freedom, and they disagree and confront issues all the time in marriage. But they are able to hold on to the love they have for their spouse, and they do not get caught up in an emotional storm. They have worked through their reactive stage.

A boundary that is not communicated is a boundary that is not working.

the flaws of the spouse rather than the problems of the sufferer. A friend of mine was devastated when his wife left him. But it took him years to finally see how his own people-pleasing behavior led to her leaving. All his friends helped to keep him away from this

we need to submit ourselves to the same rules we want our partner to submit to.

Not Perfection When we look at our own character issues, we cannot

Guilt messages are intended to make our spouse feel responsible for our welfare. In other words, guilt controls by creating the impression that our spouse’s freedom injures us.

The cost of other-control is that you might get external compliance, but lose your spouse’s heart.

are no longer two, but one” (Mark 10:7-8). So the movies are right after all:

being so sweet and resented him for wanting so much. He, just like her, began to hate what he was attracted to initially because he was in conflict with

Below is a partial list of abilities that both partners must possess and that cannot be “borrowed” from each other. The ability to Connect emotionally Be vulnerable and share feelings Have an appropriate sense of power and assertiveness Say no Have initiative and drive Have at least a minimal amount of organization Be real, but not perfect Accept imperfections and have grace and forgiveness Grieve Think for oneself and express one’s opinions Learn and grow Take risks Grasp and use one’s talents Be responsible and follow through Be free and not controlled by external or internal factors Be sexual Be spiritual Have a moral sense Have an intellectual life

We reduce others to objects of our own needs, and we don’t see them as real people. And whenever we don’t see people for who they really are, love breaks down.

with respect. They understand each other, listen, reason, compromise, and give up their own wishes sometimes. Because “twoness” exists, oneness can develop. In a marriage in which

She was in no way meeting some need or interest of his. She was just being herself, and he was gaining pleasure from just knowing her and experiencing her. He cherished her just as she was, for just who she was.

to him and loved by him. Another part of the “you are not me” concept is the ability to see another person

be someone who drives a car and runs into trees a few times. Nothing life-threatening happens, but it does cause trouble. He goes out again and hits a few more trees. Finally he says, “Enough of this,” and sells the car. “I hate this car! It just keeps running into trees.” And he thinks that he will just go get a new one and be happy. He never understands the part he played in the scenario. He thinks that a new car will solve his problem. This one is not making him happy. But if he were to work on his driving, he could graduate from hitting trees and arrive at a place where he no longer has this kind of wreck. And then he would find the “happiness” of tree-free driving. He would finally be a “complete” driver, in James’s terms. The happiness would be a result of doing the hard work and getting past the issue causing him pain. But if happiness were his biggest value, then

with another person is to think about the effects of your behavior on that other person. It is to get out of the self-centeredness of just acting to please oneself. To

and giving love. They settle into a mutual “taking the other for granted.” True love will not allow itself to go cold. When it does, there is a call to action, a call to rekindling the flame. As Jesus says of

Do not mistake a lack of crisis as a sign that the marriage is healthy.

caught up in work, and I need some help to get more balanced. Shellie