Holidays on Ice

by David Sedaris

During these visits the children are rarely allowed to discuss their desires with Santa. They are too busy being art-directed by the parents.

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

It is sad because you would like to believe that everyone is unique and then they disappoint you every time by being exactly the same, asking for the same things, reciting the exact same lines as though they have been handed a script.

Easter is a party for to eat of the lamb,”

I ask about guns not because I want one of my own but because the answers vary so widely from state to state. In a country that’s become increasingly homogeneous, I’m reassured by these last charming touches of regionalism.