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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Sue Johnson
Read between
September 11 - October 12, 2021
The more we can reach out to our partners, the more separate and independent we can be.
If we love our partners, why do we not just hear each other’s calls for attention and connection and respond with caring? Because much of the time we are not tuned in to our partners. We are distracted or caught up in our own agendas. We do not know how to speak the language of attachment, we do not give clear messages about what we need or how much we care. Often we speak tentatively because we feel ambivalent about our own needs. Or we send out calls for connection tinged with anger and frustration because we do not feel confident and safe in our relationships. We wind up demanding rather
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By far the most dominant of the trio is the Protest Polka. In this dialogue, one partner becomes critical and aggressive and the other defensive and distant.
When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness, according to a landmark study by Ted Huston of the University of Texas.
If you know your loved one is there and will come when you call, you are more confident of your worth, your value. And the world is less intimidating when you have another to count on and know that you are not alone.
the person we love most in the world, the one who can send us soaring joyfully into space, is also the person who can send us crashing back to earth.
Attachment relationships are the only ties on Earth where any response is better than none.
One freezes up, feels paralyzed, shuts down into a shell, the other feels shut out and pokes harder and harder to get a response.
Remember that the facts of a fight (whether it’s a fight about the kids’ schedule, your sex life, your careers) aren’t the real issue. The real concern is always the strength and security of the emotional bond you have with your partner.
