The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

by Gavin de Becker

(more accurately, the recollection) that Tony had

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. For when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.”)

We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is

a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.

unsolicited niceness often has a discoverable motive.

I encourage women to explicitly rebuff unwanted approaches, but I know it is difficult to do. Just as rapport-building has a good reputation, explicitness applied by women in this culture has a terrible reputation. A woman who is clear and precise is viewed as cold, or a bitch, or both. A woman is expected, first and foremost, to respond to every communication from a man. And the response is expected to be one of willingness and attentiveness. It is considered attractive if she is a bit uncertain (the opposite of explicit). Women are expected to be warm and open, and in the context of approaches from male strangers, warmth lengthens the encounter, raises his expectations, increases his investment, and, at best, wastes time.

When people are telling the truth, they don’t feel doubted, so they don’t feel the need for additional support in the form of details. When people lie, however, even if what they say sounds credible to you, it doesn’t sound credible to them, so they keep talking.

TYPECASTING Another strategy used by Kelly’s rapist is called typecasting. A man labels a woman in some slightly critical way, hoping she’ll feel compelled to prove that his opinion is not accurate. “You’re probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me,” a man might say, and the woman will cast off the mantle of “snob” by talking to him. A man tells a woman, “You don’t look like someone who reads the newspaper,” and she sets out to prove that she is intelligent and well-informed. When Kelly refused her attacker’s assistance, he said, “There’s such thing as being too proud, you know,” and she resisted the label by accepting his help.

Not that it matters what some stranger thinks anyway,

Why does this person need to convince me?

(Unfortunately, women rarely make such offers to other women, and I wish more would.)

I suggest that clients ask who would be served if they took the actions that they’d take if they believed the threats would be carried out. This often leads to the identity of the threatener.

Another tip: Those who say the shabby words explicitly right from the start are more likely to carry out the threatened act than those who stumble around.

Still, police have historically been intrigued by anonymous death threats and apathetic about accredited ones.

Mike faced a type of situation that initially offers two widely different management plans: (1) change the pursuer, or (2) change the way the pursuer’s conduct affects us. Under the first heading are such things as warnings, counter-threats, police interventions, and other strategies designed to control someone’s conduct. Under the second heading are such things as insulating ourselves from hazard or annoyance, evaluating the likelihood of violence, and monitoring new communications. Under the second plan, we limit the impact the situation is allowed to have by limiting our fear and anxiety. We also limit impact on the pursuer by not responding.

The institutions of psychiatry, law enforcement, and government have proved that no matter what your resources, you cannot reliably control the conduct of crazy people.

the minute you get into it with someone, you are into it, and if you get

angry, that all by itself is a kind of victory for him.

“Did you know him when he worked for such and such a firm? When did he work for such and such a firm? Do you know roughly what salary he was making? Do you know what school he went to? You said you went to school with him.”

I suggest holding the application in your hand and asking questions right off it as you interview a candidate.

DO NOT NEGOTIATE This could be called the golden rule, and it applies to getting out of any kind of relationship with people who refuse to let go.

“How can we best describe your job here to future employers who may contact us?” Make the employee feel that his input has bearing. Uncertainty about what a former employer will tell callers causes high anxiety, so address it directly and show that it is resolvable. This way it is not left simmering beneath the surface.

The whole theme of the termination meeting should be that you are confident he will succeed in the future, find work he will enjoy, and do well.

Say he is obviously a capable person but this job is not providing the best environment for him to excel in.

TIME IT RIGHT

the first time a woman is hit, she is a victim and the second time, she is a volunteer.

I believe it is critical for a woman to view staying as a choice, for only then can leaving be viewed as a choice and an option.

Carl Jung said, “When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate.”

What a person is doing now is the context for successful predictions, and marrying a man on the basis of potential, or for that matter hiring an employee solely on the basis of potential, is a sure way to interfere with intuition.

The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn’t mean you are special—it means he is troubled.

it’s important to remember that men are nice when they pursue, and women are nice when they reject. Naturally this leads to confusion,