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January 3 - February 21, 2024
It is at this point in these situations that a fascinating thing happens: The pursuer and the victim begin to actually have something in common: neither wants to let go. The pursuer is obsessed with getting a response and the victim becomes obsessed with making the harassment stop.
pursuer is really saying is “I will not allow you to ignore me.” He’ll push buttons until one provokes a reaction, and then as long as it works, he’ll keep pushing it.
You don’t want him improved—you want him removed. You want him out of your life. There is a rule we call “engage and enrage.” The more attachment you have—whether favorable or unfavorable—the more this will escalate.
She identifies as a warning sign the “extreme nature of a desire—for example, a desire for total physical and emotional control of another person, or total control of an office process, or the unwarranted firing of another person, or the total acceptance of a proposal.” She also describes an “extraordinary sense of entitlement,
The option of engaging a pursuer will always be available to you, but once it is applied, you cannot simply go back to watching and waiting, even though you may find it wasn’t so bad by comparison.
People who refuse to let go are becoming more common, and each case teaches us the same valuable lesson: Don’t engage in a war. Wars rarely end well because by definition someone will have to lose.
Dr. John Monahan explains that violence is inter-actional: “The reaction of a potential victim of violence may distinguish a verbal altercation from a murder.”
Often, the signs are all there, but so is the denial.
Scriptwriter.
One is his inflexibility; he is not receptive to suggestions because he takes them as affronts or criticisms of his way of doing things. Another characteristic is that he invests others with the worst possible motives and character.
The Scriptwriter gives no credit when people are helpful, and this causes alienation from co-workers. His script actually begins to come true, and people treat him as he expects them to.
Manipulations are statements intended to influence outcome without resorting to threat.
Escalations are actions intended to cause fear, upset, or anxiety, such as showing up somewhere uninvited, sending something alarming, damaging something, or acting sinister.
resists change, is rigid, and unwilling to discuss ideas contrary to his own.
He is sullen, angry or depressed.
Co-workers are afraid of or apprehensive about him (whether or not they can articulate their reasons).
He feels others are “out to get” him, that unconnected events are related, that others conspire against him.
He reacts adversely to criticism, shows suspicion of those who criticize him, and refuses to consider the merits of any critical observations about his performance or behavior.
He blames others for the results of his own actions; refuses to accept responsibility.
He expects elevation, long-term retention, an apology, being named “the winner” in some dispute, or being found “right.”
He has a grievance pending or he has a history of filing unreasonable grievances.
Understanding how people evaluate personal risk has helped me better understand why so many women in danger stay there.
fear mechanism is dulled to the point that they take in stride risks that others would consider extraordinary.
Every human behavior can be explained by what precedes it, but that does not excuse it, and we must hold abusive men accountable.
the Buddhist definition of human suffering applies perfectly: “clinging to that which changes.”
There are two broad categories of stalking: unwanted pursuit by a stranger, and unwanted pursuit by someone the victim knows.
persistence only proves persistence—it does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn’t mean you are special—it means he is troubled.
men are nice when they pursue, and women are nice when they reject.
An axiom of the stalking dynamic: MEN WHO CANNOT LET GO CHOOSE WOMEN WHO CANNOT SAY NO.
The way to stop contact is to stop contact. As I noted above, I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact.
I told him I didn’t want to go out with him, but he was so enthusiastic about it that I really didn’t have any choice [Men who cannot let go choose women who cannot say No].
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman describes seven key abilities most beneficial for human beings: the ability to motivate ourselves, to persist against frustration, to delay gratification, to regulate moods, to hope, to empathize, and to control impulse.
if a child has some effective human contact at particularly significant periods, some recognition of his worth and value, some “witness” to his experience, this can make an extraordinary difference.
It might literally be a matter of a few hours with a person whose kindness reconnects the child to an earlier experience of self, a self that was loved and valued and encouraged.
human genes. The one known as D4DR may influence the thrill-seeking behavior displayed by many violent criminals.
an elongated D4DR gene will likely be present in someone who grows up to be an assassin or a bank robber (or a daredevil).
“For two years, you have been bothering me, and now you are going to die.”
he assembled ten behaviors common to modern assassins. Nearly every one of them: 1. Displayed some mental disorder 2. Researched the target or victim 3. Created a diary, journal, or record 4. Obtained a weapon 5. Communicated inappropriately with some public figure, though not necessarily the one attacked 6. Displayed an exaggerated idea of self (grandiosity, narcissism) 7. Exhibited random travel 8. Identified with a stalker or assassin 9. Had the ability to circumvent ordinary security 10. Made repeated approaches to some public figure
There was another prominent woman on his list: Sandra Day O’Connor, who’d just been appointed to the U.S. Supreme Court. Why did she get Perry’s attention? “Because no woman should be above a man,” he later explained.
even the most public of crimes are motivated by the most personal issues.
Ernest Becker explains that “animals, in order to survive have had to be protected by fear responses.” Some Darwinians believe that the early humans who were most afraid were most likely to survive. The result, says Becker, “is the emergence of man as we know him: a hyperanxious animal who constantly invents reasons for anxiety even when there are none.”
Rule #2. What you fear is rarely what you think you fear—it is what you link to fear.
Worry is a way to avoid change; when we worry, we don’t do anything about the matter.
Worry is a way to avoid admitting powerlessness over something, since worry feels like we’re doing something.
Worry is a cloying way to have connection with others, the idea being that to worry about someone shows love.
Worry is a protection against future disappointment.
