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Whether I let her go of her or not, she’d always be my Blu.
Maybe we used each other, maybe we helped each other.
“I can’t afford to fall for temporary anymore, Jace. We’re finished, whatever this is, we’re finished.”
“You fucked me up. And yet, you come back every time. Why? Why do you insist on doing this to me?” His response may have been the most honest thing he’s ever said, and that terrified me. In one breath, he shattered my soul. “You let me.”
“Somewhere between those days I fell for you. And I think you expected me to love you when you never, not once, showed me the parts of you I could love. You’ve never even shown yourself.”
I mourned the loss of losing him before he was even gone.
“Promises never meant much to you, Jace.”
I was the walking, living, breathing piece of shit that broke a girl who was already broken.
But it wasn’t my place to be happy for him. It was my place to be happy for me.
“You must be excited. I’ve always wanted to go.”
Please just shut the fuck up
“There’s a lot of things I haven’t told you.” And now, we’d never get the chance.
No more late night calls. No more fighting. No more kissing, fucking, nothing – No more going back. No more hue.
It reminded me of all the kindness in the world. The kindness outside the torment of my mind.
“You always look pretty, darling.” Darling. Darling. D A R L I N G.
Please hold my hand,” he whispered, almost breathless.
Because if you touch me, I’ll be okay. I’ll know you’re still in there – that…” He turned to me, his eyes bloodshot and glazed, “That one year later, you still have love for me.”
I loved him viciously, my entire being stripped raw by his essence. I would’ve done anything for him; he knew that. He took advantage of that.
I released my hold on his, swallowing the truth and spitting out the lie. “I don’t.”
Then pretend,” he whispered through a cracking pitch. “Pretend for me, Blu.”
It was all fucking pretend. Nothing was ever real, and he was okay with that. As long as I was pretending.
Fake growth. Fake healing. I’d wasted three-hundred and sixty-five days chasing a fake dream of being fake happy.
Numbness was kind to me, and paralyzing.
Funny that, that when you stopped giving too much of a fuck, the fuck crawled to you.
But I wanted the moon, the night sky and everything Blu[e].
I didn’t want the end result, I wanted the rough draft, the outlines, the Blu[e]prints.
We could do us again. But she ran. And I died. Four months later – I was still dying.
She was pissed I was calling. Probably pissed that she even answered herself. But she couldn’t stay away. Meaning that night, when she said she didn’t have love for me anymore, she lied. We were both such good liars.
In love with a boy who reminded me that I was hard to love.”
Yeah,” he smiled. “Yeah.” I didn’t.
“You look different, Blu. You’ve lived a lot more than I have in the last year.” “You could’ve too.” “I didn’t know what to live for,”
I was the firecracker. He lit the spark. I was the puppet. He was the puppeteer. I was the colour. He was the hue.
Because whatever fire we had – It always turned to ash.
And I realized since the day I met Jace, we found our way into each other’s bodies, but not each other’s hearts.
No matter how much I shivered and begged – Some things were just doomed from the start.
I was addicted to hurting myself being with him, pushing aside all the things that made me whole and healthy.
I would’ve left me. I think the best parts of me did.
I don’t think I was happy. I don’t think I ever was. But if I made him care about me, then I did something right.
Because where I carried clouds and wind and precipitation, he carried the sun, the stars and the sky. Yeah, that’s what he was. My sun. And I was his rain. I was his fucking rain.
So, I held her, because a gnawing feeling told me this might be one of the last times I would.
I’m very proud of you. The words a father should tell her daughter. The words a mother should use to comfort her child. Neither of those words were ever said to me.
Jace told me he promised to love me once, but he never told me that he truly did.
All Jace wanted from the beginning was to be loved, but he had no intention of loving.
So when he refused to dance, I knew. I knew we were over. We’d been over for a long time now and I just didn’t have the heart to accept it.
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t ready to love you, even though my heart wanted to.”
“From what I learned about you, Beatrice, you’ve always felt like you needed to please other people so they wouldn’t leave. The foundation of your relationship with Jace seemed to be exactly that.
