I Wish You All the Best

by Mason Deaver

I know my parents, they know me, they deserve to know this thing about me as well. And I want to tell them, I really, really do.

“Get out of this house.” I didn’t even know it was possible for Dad to look at me the way he had, it was . . . Terrifying.

Buses suck.

Bodies are fucking weird, especially when it feels like you don’t belong in your own.

If you’re queer, your life has the potential to become one long coming-out moment.

He dramatically rolls over onto the grass next to the concrete steps, lounging out. “Draw me like one of your French girls.” I stare at him. “Titanic?”

There’s this ice-skating anime Mariam and I both love, and I don’t think now’s the right time to explain just how gay it can really get.

YOI MENTIONED

Plus, last time I did that, the janitor walked in on me, and there’s really nothing more awkward than just sitting around while someone else is cleaning, all while you try your best not to get in their way.

When I think of Nathan, I think of warmth. Of reds, and oranges. But most of all, I think of yellow. That just seems like such a Nathan-y color. Happiness, joy, his optimism, that smile.

“Can’t spell ‘subtext’ without ‘butt sex.’

Boys aren’t supposed to wear dresses. Even if I’m not a boy, even if clothing shouldn’t be gendered.

But the more I stare at my body, the more I hate it. It’s the same feelings I had before I realized I’m nonbinary. Things just aren’t where they’re supposed to be, and I feel like I’m larger and smaller than myself at the same time. Like nothing adds up.

“For simplicity, I just say that I’m queer, that I have a type.”

lol me too

“I’m going to take a year off. After graduation,”

LOL ME TOO

“Touch aversion can be common in people who deal with panic attacks, or people dealing with anxiety. In fact, there are some people who are just born or develop that way, like asexual or aromantic people.”

I’d already realized that drinking wasn’t for me anyway.

LOL ME TOOOOOO

I lean against the railing alongside him. “I hate the beach too.” “Why?” “I hate sand. It’s coarse, and it gets everywhere.” I wonder if he’ll catch on. Nathan groans so loud the people jogging at the other end of the park turn to look at us. “Please tell me you didn’t just quote the worst movie of the saga.” “Thought you might like that.” “I hate you,” he says with a smile.

“Whatever happens”—his grip tightens a little—“I wish you all the best, Benjamin De Backer.” He says it with a smile. “You deserve it.”

Realistically, I don’t think I could ever go back to their house, but just because they messed up once doesn’t mean we can’t fix what’s left between us. Right? Hannah won’t be too pleased, but maybe she’ll understand, and maybe this will be her shot too. It won’t be perfect, but maybe we’ll get to be a happy family one day.

awwwwww poor ben :(

Every time Nathan uses the wrong pronouns for me, it feels like a stab to the gut. Even if Mariam and Hannah and Thomas know to use the right ones. His words are the ones I care about the most right now. I need him to know. For my sake. For his. “I want to tell him.” I say those five little words and they feel like they could end the world. “That I’m nonbinary.”

Mariam laughs. “I have a hunch, galbi.” “Galbi?” I look at them. “What’s that?” “It means ‘my heart.’” I lean in closer to them, shoulder to shoulder. “I love you.” “Love you too, Benji.”

“If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me.” He’s sniffling. Is he crying too? “I just spent the last half year misgendering you, and you’re apologizing to me?” “It’s not your fault.” “I wish I could’ve known.” His voice breaks, and I feel his tears fall on my hands. “I’m so sorry, Ben, I’m so, so sorry you had to put up with it. And I’m so sorry I did that to you for so long.” He’s full-on crying now, and it’s making me cry more, and we’re both blubbering messes. “I forgive you,” I choke out.

“I really like you, Ben. I really, really, really like you,” he finally says, and I can almost see his shoulders relax. “I’d use the other L-word, but if I’m being a hundred percent honest, it scares the absolute shit out of me.” He takes a deep breath. “And I’ve spent months trying to figure out how I could tell you without scaring you away, or making you hate me, but yeah.”

“Is partner a little too cowboy for you?” I tip an imaginary cowboy hat. “Yee haw.” He tries not to laugh, but he fails miserably. Good, I don’t want him to hold back. “Seriously though what can I call you?” “Is ‘my kissing friend who isn’t on the gender binary but who I love very much’ a little too wordy?” I say.

“What about my person?” “Your person.” I like the way the words sound. On his lips and to my ears. “My Ben.” Nathan leans in, kissing the top of my hand, and all at once my heart feels so full.

“I wish you all the best, Benjamin De Backer.” They aren’t the same words, but I know exactly what he means. “I love you too.”