After Rain Falls (River of Rain, #2)

by C.E. Ricci

All I want right now as I stand in this bar, searching and praying to find his eyes, is to not be in love with him. To be able to walk and talk and fucking breathe every day without feeling like the weight of the world is sitting on my chest. I just want the pain to end, the misery and agony of trying to live without him, gone.

But that’s the thing about lying to yourself. No matter how much you beg and wish and plead the words to be true, it doesn’t mean it will manifest in your reality.

“Little did I know the real casualty in this battle would be my heart when I fell in love with him too.”

“This is what it was like for me that first time, Rain. In the shower. Are you enjoying yourself?”

“What was that? You can’t talk past my cock? It’s so deep down your throat you can’t fucking breathe? Now imagine this multiplied by a hundred. Because what you fucking did to me was at least that much worse.”

“But you needed a taste of this, to get it through your fucking head. This is what it was like to be treated like shit.”

“There was a point in my life when I thought your cum was the sweetest thing I’d ever tasted.” I grind the words out, desperate to gain control over the war inside me. Giving in to my desire to kiss and hold and fucking love him is the last thing I can do right now. “But I was wrong, baby. I think I prefer the taste of your tears.”

So, I know this is it. What rock bottom looks, feels, sounds, smells, and tastes like. It looks like all your dreams being doused in gasoline and set ablaze by those you love the most. It feels like the most intense heat, burning hotter than the sun with anger and disdain radiating in licks and flashes of fire. It sounds like the cracking and breaking of your very soul. The foundation of who you are being unable to defy gravity any longer when the embers become too heavy before it collapses around you in shambles. It smells like smoke to the point you can’t fucking breathe anymore without suffocating. And it tastes like salt and embers. From the ashes sticking to the tears streaming down your face as you watch your world, everything you’ve ever worked for, go up in smithereens.

I’m starting to think it won’t ever be enough until I cut my losses and burn the rest of the fucking world down with me.

The possibilities are endless now, when I’m to the point where I’d rather give up the fight and let them win. Bury me in the goddamn ground and leave me there to rot. Because what is the fucking point? I’m broken, down to the point where I’m unrecognizable to even myself. Shattered and fractured beyond repair, shards of me chipping away with every person I ever trusted that decided to get up and walk out of my life, not a goodbye or backward glance in sight.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men will never put me back together again.

Yet I can’t force them to be receptive of my emotions and insecurities. In the end, they’re all fickle things, emotions. They drive humans to do the most asinine shit, and for what? For why? Why do we need them in the first place when they just cause one disaster after another? All they do is feed insecurity to the point where you’re a mess that can’t function without the help of some sort of vice to numb the emotions you don’t want to feel. And for me, that emotion is love.

Without you, it’s impossible to breathe.

“People only obsess over each other when things between them are left unfinished.”

“Are you going to be able to live with yourself after this? Because baby, as much as I hate this... I have to fucking quit you.”

“This goes so much deeper than need and desire. The way I ache for you? It’s fucking toxic.”

It’s at that moment, I know. I broke him. Ruined him. I ruined us.

“You can tell me you hate me. Try to hurt me. Bare your teeth in defiance. Say we’re toxic like your soul will let you believe it,” I whisper against his mouth, jacking him slowly. “Tell me you’re done with me. Wish it never happened, wish we never happened.” His head snaps back against the wall with a thud, and I watch as his eyes sink closed. “You can glare at me with only ice left in your heart every time you see me. Freeze me out as if it can make you feel less. But just know, it doesn’t stop my veins from boiling the minute I see you. Every thought of you burns my skin. And knowing my sleep is the only place I’m able to kiss you, touch you, and feel the fire you consume me in…makes me crave the nightmares.”

“Get the fuck out,” Elliott snaps, something like anguish crossing his face as he glares at me. “Of this house, this city, of fucking Colorado, I don’t give a shit which. Just go.” His grimace grows as he shakes his head, attention flashing back to the house as the words come out filled with gravel. “You have to. Before you destroy him even further.”

Sometimes the very thing you need to stay afloat is the same reason you’re drowning. And it’s relationships like those you have to cut off at the knees, before you become each other’s downfall.

“Too bad that isn’t the way the world works, mo grá. I carved my name into your heart and you branded your very essence into my soul. You can’t just forget that.”

“I can sit here and pretend. That we were just a way to pass time. That we’ve run our course. Of course I can, Rain. Or, I can stand here and tell you from the very beginning, I fucking knew. From the moment we met, something inside me said you’ll lose your heart to this one. After him, you’ll never be the same. And it was right.”

“A piece of me is missing, the piece of me that pumps the blood through my veins and allows me to fucking live. You cut my heart out that day on the tarmac and honestly?” I shake my head and swallow, a soft exhale leaving me. “Honestly, I don’t have it in me to care. I don’t even want it back.”

Because he carved his name into my heart when he tore it from my chest. I don’t think there will ever be a day it doesn’t beat for him.

“One more chance,” he repeats as he climbs on top of me, his knees on either side of my ribs. Leaning forward to take my mouth again in soft kisses, his fingers slip into my hair and I run my hand down his back in a gentle caress. “Because I’m not about to be played for a fool for a third time.”

“Fuck, baby. Your mouth on me is magic,”

“Take what you need, Abhainn. I’m yours.” His eyes snap open and find mine the instant the words are out, probably in disbelief he heard them correctly. “I’m yours,”

“It won’t be easy, but I want to trust you. I hate fighting what I feel for you.”

“What do I want? Shouldn’t it be fucking obvious by now? Shouldn’t you know? I’ve so much as told you,” I seethe, ice dripping in my tone. “I want something more than some high altitude fucks for a week or two at a time with absolutely no word from you in between. I want to know I’m not being played like a goddamn fool by feeling more than I should.”

“I wanna know you aren’t going to leave. Because everyone fucking does and I’m sick and tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop with every single person in my life. I wanna know I mean something to you. Know I don’t have to worry about another Roman coming in here and taking you again because for fuck’s sake, Rain, I just want you!”

“Everything I’ve done and said for the past two fucking months has been for you! With you in mind and no one but you! And I’ve been hanging on by a goddamn thread myself. But then having to stand back and watch from the sidelines as you struggled and fought to stay afloat? It killed me. Because I don’t want to be the reason you fucking drown, Abhainn.”

“Anything. You want to even the playing field? Fine. You want to cuff me to a bed and take me by force? Do it. You want me to relive one of the worst moments of my life to prove it to you? Because I will. Swear it on my fucking life, I will. Because I love you. And making sure you understand that is more important to me than anything else.”

“You fucking heard me,” he says, his voice just as hoarse as he walks up to me. “But in case it was somehow lost in translation, I’ll say it again. I love you. And all I want is you too.”

“Just because I’m hard doesn’t mean I’m not mad at you.” “I know. It just makes you a little bit of an I love you slut.”

“This is gonna come out sounding stupid and fucking corny, but my world begins and ends with you. I see you, the real you. The you kept hidden from everyone else. I know who you are, baby. And despite the shit we went through and all the shit we still have to overcome, I’m undeniably in love with you.”

The passion and love between us was palpable then. Now it’s incendiary.

“I might have you, but you own me. Every inch. Every thought. Every moment of every day, Abhainn. You own me.”

He’s mine. Only mine. Just like I’m his. And I know now, we’re no longer an almost. We’re everything.

“Your name was already inscribed on my heart and etched in my soul. The only place it was missing was inked on my skin.”

“Because I’ve painted something for you, drawn a sketchbook filled of you, had paint sex with you, but I’ve never painted on you.”

“I mean, I’d rather you actually fuck Roman than kick a puppy.” He snorts, shaking his head. “Well let’s just say I have no intention of doing either, so you never have to look at me like that again.”

“You just took a bullet for me.” I let out a short wheeze, which quickly turns into a cough as I wince in pain. I swear I can feel the pieces of metal shift inside me at the movement. “Two, actually.” Fuck, it’s hard to breathe. A constricted laugh slips past his lips, before he leans forward and presses his forehead to mine. “You were just shot and you want to bicker with me about how many times? Jesus Christ, Riv.”

“Abhainn. Mo grá. Just hold on, okay? We’ll get help.” His voice cracks on every word, as if he knows it’s pointless. That there’s no use in attempting to get help because I’m already too far gone. Hell, I even know it.

I don’t want to die. That wasn’t my plan when I pushed in front of Rain to let those bullets pierce my skin instead of his. My only goal was to keep him safe from any more harm at the hands of Ted motherfucking Anders. He’s caused him enough misery to last a thousand lifetimes. So, no, I don’t want to die. Of course I don’t. I want to spend the rest of my life with Rain. Every fucking day. Poking fun at his uncanny ability to leave himself open for dirty jokes and making him breakfast burritos every Sunday. Laughing with him at a stupid movie or some dumb thing I said. Smiling at him, and only him, because he loves my dimples and I fucking love him. Loving him with my entire heart, because he owns it. Until the end of time.

“Sometimes,” I heave with effort. My lips are starting to feel cold and numb, my words feeling slurred. “Sometimes forever...is shorter than you think.”

“No. River, no. You made me fall in love with you. I fought so hard not to, but I never stood a chance. It was always you, Abhainn. So you don’t get to leave me here alone.”

I hold his body in my arms, begging for God to take me instead. I scream at Him, plead with Him. I bargain my fucking soul, letting those in heaven and hell decide where it belongs.

“You die, I die too,”

“From the beginning, this has never been more than a fucking love triangle to you. Thinking you can win me like I’m some sort of prize. A pissing contest. When in reality, you were right. Between you and River, there is no contest. It’s him, a thousand percent. Every day of every week of the rest of my fucking life, it’s him.”

“Your son,” I growl, steam radiating off me in waves, “happens to be the love of my fucking life! I would give up everything for him, just like he willingly did for me. I’m not some piece of trash slipping into his bed from off the street. I love him with every inch of my eternally fucked-up soul!”