How Not to Date a Dragon (Cautionary Tails, #2)

by Lana Kole

“Xander,” they said automatically, eyes widening as they stared at him. “You’re… apologizing.” Milo cocked his head to the side. “Well, yes. That’s usually what you do when you misgender someone, isn’t it?” Xander lifted their joined hands, rattling the chain between them. “I just handcuffed you!” And somehow that fact didn’t make them any less attractive.

“What are our options?” Milo asked, keeping his voice low and even, knowing the edge he walked was made of thin ice. If he wasn’t careful, Xander might just take his arm off for him. Xander sat cross-legged in the grass, and they steepled their fingers, unconcerned that they had to drag Milo’s arm across the ground to do it. “I kill you, call in my backup, and spin a story about how your death was unavoidable. They’ll bring the witch who enchanted the cuffs and undo it so I can break myself out.” “You don’t seem keen on that plan,” Milo observed. He wasn’t stupid enough to assume it was because they’d suffer some hardship from his death. Like guilt. Xander didn’t seem built for that. Their hazel eyes flicked to him. “It’s a bit too close to calling daddy for help, in my opinion.”

“This wouldn’t protect against rain. Or any element, for that matter,” they mused aloud. Milo turned with his own poncho and shrugged. “No, but tell me that isn’t a great fabric. Soft as hell.” The dragon led them from the closet, and Xander called after him, “Let me get this straight. You own not one, but two useless ponchos just because they feel nice?” Milo glanced over his shoulder, confusion clear on his face. “More than two, actually. That a problem?” “No, it’s just fuckin’ weird. And a waste of money,” they muttered. There’s no way a fabric this nice was cheap. “My money. My ponchos,” he called in a sing-song voice.

“Should I pick it up or—” “Don’t touch it,” Xander shouted in their haste, yanking open the curtain, but making sure it covered their body. “Leave it alone. I’ll get it.” Milo’s lips twitched as he lifted his hands in innocence. “Got it. No touching.”

“And what if they turn us away because you look too threatening?” “Me?” they asked in surprise and then drifted their gaze over Milo. “No, you’re right, I would be the threatening one. You look like a puppy.”

Couldn’t you take just a few less knives?” “No,” Xander answered dryly.

“No map or anything?” Xander accused. “You’re just raw dogging it?” Milo choked on a laugh. “I have a pretty good memory. So yes, I’m raw dogging it.”

“Not every hit is a kill hit. I could maim you.” “Maim, huh? What would you do, take off a pinky?” “I think I’d start with your fucking hand so I can finally get these damned cuffs off!”

“You gotta stop doing that,” Milo groused. “Doing what?” Xander retorted, exasperated. “Taking my breath away.”

“If you’re not broken, can we continue?” “How lucky of me to fall in the direction we were headed anyway.” “Yeah, saved us from having to scale down the rock.” “Anytime. I’ll be here all week.”

“I will do this under one condition, and one condition only. Do you accept?” “Do I get to know what the condition is?” Milo asked. “Do you want the cuffs off or not?” she snapped. Milo lifted one hand in surrender. “Jeez, fine. Yes, I accept.” “Are you kidding me?” Xander suddenly snapped. “What if she wants your firstborn or something? You’re just accepting, just like that?!” “What do you care? It’s my firstborn,” Milo retorted.

“Oh, so I’m the one with the important job while you play bait?” Xander responded. It wasn’t until the silence in the car grew too loud that they realized they’d just teased Milo. Oh no. You’re a fucking hunter, man. Act like it. “Just like a dragon to take the easy way out,” they added casually. “There it is,” Milo said.

Was that part of their game? Make Milo think they were in danger with this supervisor, some poor schmuck who couldn’t catch a break? Because…because it was totally working. Fuck. Was he really that easy? Milo already had a soft spot for this stupid hunter. And yes, fine. It was jealousy curling up behind his ribs and twisting mercilessly. Alright. Milo needed to put an end to this sooner rather than later. He needed to get this hunter out of his fucking hair so he could go back to enjoying his fancy shit alone, without worrying about some hunter taking off with it.

“What is it—oh. You’re mad,” Xander guessed, a lilt of disbelief to their tone. “Yes, I’m mad,” Milo snapped. “So many things could’ve gone wrong with your plan—” “Oh, as if your plan was any better?” “—what if you weren’t their type? Huh? And she turned you down?” Xander scoffed. “Please. I’m everyone’s type.”

If Milo was smart, he’d take off with the ring, let the orcs kill Xander. The binding spell would be broken without two people to bind. There’d be one less hunter in the world, one less person to hurt the few dragons left in the world. “I should just let them have you,” Milo said, the words falling from his lips like a threat. Xander blinked, stiffening momentarily before their expression shuttered. “You could. It would solve all your problems.”

“Where are you going with this?” “The Bargain Hunter. Here before me. In my kitchen.” He backed them up all the way to the counter. Laid a hand on the flat surface behind them, effectively caging them in. “Drinking my tea and wearing my robe.” “It’s a very nice robe, to be fair,” Xander breathed, heart pounding in their chest at the proximity. “It’d be nicer off,” Milo hinted.

“Of all the surfaces in the house, you wanna start with the bed?” Xander teased. “You virgin.” “I’m a romantic, sue me,” Milo said, pressing kisses against their neck, shoulders, wherever he could reach. As if he couldn’t get enough. It was downright fucking intoxicating. Xander nodded, trying to collect their thoughts, very serious. “Yes, it was so romantic to grind me to orgasm on the kitchen counter. Very prim and proper.” Milo groaned and let his head drop to the bed. “I can’t stand you.” “We’re not standing right now.”

Milo slowed, but deepened his thrusts, and Xander could feel him in their fucking throat. “It’s okay to like it. To be soft. To like soft things,” he said.

“Have you ever even needed a treasure map?” “What?” they cackled. “No. Not once. That’s what GPS is for!”

What were they going to do when their time ran out? Because they… This had an expiration date, ticking closer with every moment that passed. Arthur would be ringing Xander, demanding to know if they had succeeded. If they failed, Arthur would be annoyed, but he’d get over it. Would Xander? “Hey,” Milo said softly, turning toward them in the bed and placing a hand on their cheek to pull their gaze to his own. “Don’t go there.”

“Can I tell you something? And you not take offense?” Milo asked, voice soft and private, this moment belonging to them only. Xander pushed thoughts of the hunters away. “Maybe,” they whispered. “I wanna… I want to take care of you,” Milo admitted. “Not because I feel sorry for you, or because I think you need it. But because it's nice to be taken care of. I want to give that to you.” Their breath caught, heavy in their chest and weighed down with the realness of the emotions clogging their throat. “How do you plan to do that?” “Well, first… how tired are you?”

There was a desperation to their movements, not in their pace, but in the reverence they tasted him with. As if they knew—as well as he did—that their time was limited, that they needed to steal, hoard every piece of one another they could find.

He kissed them, because words were next to impossible, and tasted himself on their tongue, drawing his lips to the corner of their mouth and lower until no trace of himself was left. But then a salty drop caught against his tongue and he pulled back, finding their hazel eyes swimming in a pool of tears. “Xander,” he breathed, alarm striking his chest. “What’s wrong, did I—” “No,” they rasped, voice rough. “You didn’t do anything.” But more tears spilled out and they kept coming, and Milo couldn’t do anything but tuck them against his chest and wait for it to end.

“It was really sweet.” Milo’s lips twitched, heart caving in, emotion welling so intensely he had to swallow around it. “I literally just came down your throat, but I’m so glad you think I’m sweet,” Milo teased, hoarse. Xander snorted, slapping him on the chest, and nuzzled their face into his neck. “You held my hand,” they sniffled. Milo’s heart gave a rather fatal thump in his chest. This was it. This was how he died. Heart swelling with affection so grand it popped like a balloon.

How was he supposed to let them go at the end of this? How was he supposed to decide which part of his hoard he gave them? He could give them every robe he owned. Every velvet shirt. Two of each poncho. Every fucking trinket or shiny piece of jewelry. But none of it fucking mattered because they already had the most vital part of him right in their hands and they didn’t even know it.

They both knew what came next. “Tea?” Milo offered. Because he was weak. Weak for this creature in the car next to him, who was just as tense as he was. Did they dread this next part as much as he did? Was their chest clamped tight like his? Were they as reluctant to peel their fingers away from the gearshift as he was? “Tea sounds good,” they whispered. I hate this. I want to keep you. Don’t go.

It offered them the illusion of privacy when they had anything but, and Xander’s gaze bore into Milo. “Fancy meeting you here,” he whispered. Tears rushed to Xander’s eyes, but they refused, choked them back and bit into their wobbling lip.

Milo lifted a hand to their face, cupping their cheek in a warm palm. The clank of chains hung between them, brushed against the shirt Xander still wore. Milo’s shirt. “It’s okay,” he said softly. Xander blinked at him. “What?” Their heart sank. “Do it.” Xander’s lips parted, but no sound came out. They couldn’t make their voice work. Resolve glittered darkly in Milo’s gaze, flicking over Xander’s face. “It’s okay if it’s you.” Oh… fuck.

“I’ve brought in billions, and I’ve done it without spilling a single. Drop. Of blood.” More gasps. Xander had never considered themself a theater gay, but oh god, the drama?

“Caleb, if you reach for your gun, I’m pulling the trigger. The only thing I have left to lose isn’t in this car. You know I’ll do it.” It didn’t matter how hard they’d tried not to spill a drop of blood all these years. They’d spill gallons if it meant saving Milo.

Milo just wanted to get himself between the hunters and Xander. Xander, who—did they have a gun? He watched them take aim, and with a flash of light and a bang, one of the hunters went down, shouting and holding his shoulder. Oh, so we’re not killing them?

“I’m so sorry, Milo, I got here as fast as I could.” “Weren’t you like, on your way to an execution or something? Oh, I really don’t like guns,” Milo said, but let Xander hand him one anyway.

“You’re fighting us? Your fam—” “Oh, shut the fuck up about family!” Xander yelled, taking a step forward. Milo was floored by the sheer, thinly veiled emotion in their cracked voice. “You were going to have me killed! And you weren’t even going to be there!”

“He’s pissed that Milo is the first dragon who’s actually where he’s supposed to be—you have no idea how many locations I’ve visited in the past week. A lot of you have died or are missing in action—and he wants to know if it’s because of the HOA. Hmm…” Julian’s brows furrowed. “Yeah he rambles about that for a bit, not a happy camper there.”

They grumbled slightly, but it was only a handful of moments before it was just Xander and Milo, the quiet of the night, and the mess of the lawn. Tire tracks marred the manicured grass, the front door was still hanging open, and—was that a broken window? Xander finally turned to face Milo, the moon bright overhead and casting him in a soft glow. “Hi,” they said, lamely. “Hi yourself,” Milo murmured. “Can I take you up on that tea now?”

“Can I take care of you?” Xander asked. Milo pulled back, brow furrowed. “But that’s my job.”

Milo swallowed. “W-with the glove?” he choked out. “With the glove,” Xander agreed, because Milo was down bad for it,

“I love you,” Milo murmured once he pulled back, and Xander’s chest went fizzy as their mind filled with white noise. Milo blinked, pulled back, and laughed. “Uh, I mean, in a totally casual, normal way. Y’know, as, I mean—” “I love you too,” Xander admitted. “Uh, I mean, in a really cool, practically bro-like way—” “Shut up,” Milo groaned, and tasted the laugh right off their lips.

The mess of the counter made Xander think pancakes, and they bided their time, watching as Milo scooped a spatula under a pale round circle in the pan and lifted it before they spoke. “Good morning.” “Jesus!” Milo shouted, spatula going haywire in his hand and sending the pancake sailing through the air. It landed on the floor with a splat, and Xander covered their mouth to hide their grin as Milo spun to face them. “You wraith,” he hissed. They stared at the dead pancake with amusement. “Well, that one’s yours,” Milo drawled.

“So, with that in mind, what are you doing tonight?” he asked. Xander cut their gaze in his direction. “I don’t know, let me check my schedule,” they drawled. Now that they were out of the life, they didn’t exactly have a whole lot to do. Milo’s lips twitched and despite the worry threatening to take hold, Xander had half a mind to kiss it off him. “Good. It’s a date, then.”

“What did you order for me?” “A new jacket,” he blurted. “I used the tag off the one you were wearing and ordered it from their website. I just figure if you’re gonna be around—” Xander was totally, irrevocably gone for this silly, sweet, pretty dragon. “And I’m gonna be around, am I?” “W-well, I hoped so,” Milo said, cheeks flushing.

“You’re cute when you’re domestic,” Milo teased. “Cute? Ew.” Xander shuddered playfully. “Hate that for me.”

“Dangerous, impressive, scary, hot. And cute.”

“God, we are so fucking domestic,” Xander whined, catching their reflection in the windowpane. “It’s kinda hot,” Milo mused, chest bouncing with barely contained laughter. “Good, I can fuck you on the counter this time—wait, did you sanitize before cooking?” they asked. Milo cackled, peeling himself from around them and walking backwards to the bedroom. “Milo!”

“Oh, I get it,” he purred. “You think I’m hot.” Yes. And Xander kind of wanted to suck his dick about it.

A menace is what he was. Maybe Milo even had to change pants. One could hardly blame that on Xander. It was his cock that leaked so generously. Right through his boxers. And Xander suddenly wondered if even Milo’s wardrobe could sustain their libidos. They looked forward to finding out.

They were lying together after the bar, letting the ales Patty and John plied them with wear off. Having a good cuddle, or so Milo thought. “What’s wrong?”

“Sending the data now, Mr. Obvious.” “Okay, listen—” “You can’t even use the excuse that you were like thirteen, because you were already centuries old when the internet was invented,” they laughed. Milo’s lips twitched. “I get it—” “Oh my god, what do cashiers say when you sign up for discounts?” They glanced around the lavishly decorated room before shaking their head. “Nevermind, that’s silly, you don’t need disc—oh!” Milo yanked them down onto the bed with him, kissing the chuckles right off their lips. “I’ll have you know,” he interrupted with another kiss. “I love a good discount.”

“It’s all shit I’ve collected through the years. That’s my treasure.” “Wait, wait. So you’re telling me… you don’t have a treasure chest full of gold and jewels from hundreds of years ago like every other fucking dragon?” Xander was very still beneath him. Milo waved his hand. “Please, I had all that converted to zeros decades ago.” Xander sucked in a deep breath. “You didn’t even have a hoard to split?” Their tone was low and dangerous and Milo wondered if he should start running… now? “Uhm…” Milo pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, fighting a smile. “Not one that wouldn’t have drawn the attention of my accountant?”

Didn’t mean to ruin it all.” As if he hadn’t spent the last few months spoiling Xander with every cent in his wallet just to see their eyes light up.