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fuckity shits on a stick.
Probably that damn sex room.
Stick an apple in my mouth. Drop me on a platter. And ring the bell. I’m done.
But since my mama makes me those caramels, and I’ve eaten plenty, I’m fairly certain that there aren’t any roofies in them. I can text her to ask though. If you want.”
“Let’s go get freaky in my sex room.”
“We’ve got Mr. Fuck Hot over here thinking he’s all hilarious, cracking jokes.”
room. (Though now I’m starting to think maybe having one isn’t the worst idea . . .)
I’m not a prude, but I’m aware I can be a bit of a caveman
Well, if lusting after one of our great nation’s professional athletes isn’t patriotic, I don’t know what is.
With the level of turned-on that I am, you’d think I was at home, watching porn, with my hand in my pants.
I’m kicking myself for not noticing, but I was a little busy playing hockey.
I could tell she had a great ass, the type you want to caress when she kisses you and spank when she sasses you.
“If you lay so much as a finger on her ass, I will break it off, so help me god.”
inner hippie-slut
Unless you spent last night drowning kittens, or replying to dick pics on Tinder, I think you’re fine.”
Maybe then you can meet someone that has a dick. And maybe you can see it in person. And if you’re really lucky, maybe you can even touch it.”
am a huge proponent of equality for all, women’s rights, and non-gender roles. But I can’t help it that I get all turned on when he gets worked up about some other guy giving me attention.
Somehow she’s turned me into a pussy-whipped glob of putty, and I haven’t even felt her lips on mine yet.
The more bitches the more merrier!”
“And if I’m gonna hook myself a sugar daddy, I’ve gotta do it while I’m still hot.”
“I will make you my girl, Kitten. I promise you that. But I’m going to take my time in doing so. I’m going to wait until you’re ready for me.”
But fuck, woman, make no mistake, you’re mine.”
He’s so sweet. And funny. And hot. And he uses proper grammar when he texts!
“Who’s the plastic bitch?”
“The only thing that would’ve made that better would be if I’d’ve punched her in the boob after saying that.
“I guess your boyfriend would have known. If you kissed me.”
the puck goes in the net, the crowd freaks out. Goalie stops the puck, the crowd freaks out. The players do pretty much anything, the crowd freaks out.
I know that goalie helmets are cool, but I have no idea what offside means. I think it’s bad. And apparently the term icing does not refer to the delicious stuff you put on a cake.
After the stress of this game I need a good night’s sleep. And probably a fucking Xanax.
“Oh. My. Holy hot-guy gods!” Meghan shouts, startling me out of my daze. “That was the sexiest fucking thing I have ever witnessed.” She fans herself. “That was better than porn. Fuck it, I’m going to be watching that replay as porn.”
they’ll give me a hard time about liking a girl. Bunch of dumbasses.
If we don’t stop soon, I’m going to blow in my pants from dry-humping like some teenage virgin.
“Are you saying that I just turned your pussy into gold?”
“Mama always told me not to say these words to a girl I liked, but here it goes. You’re wrong.”
Then I found you snooping around in my sex dungeon.”
No thanks, I prefer blue balls?”
Panties all over the country are combusting.”
and by react I mean shove my tongue down his throat,
Does the hallway, hands in the pants thing, count as date two?
you start to fall, I’ll have to drop this phone to catch you. Then some kid will trip over it and break their arm. You don’t want that on your conscience, do you?”
“Alex told me about the dick cream.”
“Would you like a drink?” Jackson shakes his head. “No.” “Would you like to sit?” Jackson steps closer. “No.” “Would you like a tour?” Jackson steps closer still. “No.” “Would you like to see my bedroom?” “Yes.”
“Jackson, I swear to god, if you think you’re just going to finger me again and leave, I might have to hurt you.”
I mean he doesn’t have a weird freaky dick that I’m afraid won’t fit.
“Warn a woman, would you? You gave me a hot flash.”
They look real. The photos, not her boobs.
go fuck a porcupine
