Bader makes the brilliant connection that our fantasies don’t necessarily invoke what we like or what we want—they are mental stimulation, not reality—but do illustrate what’s required to feel safe enough to get turned on. In his view, many women who fantasize about being dominated might be culturally programmed with the idea that they are “too much.” In a fantasy, if they are being bossed, there is no way they can be accused of overpowering the other.
