100% Match

by Patrick C. Harrison III

0.001752% of relationships end in homicide.

I also throw things when the opportunity arises; like if a cat walks into my yard, I’ll throw it into the street.

Before heading to bed, I shoot the kid I have chained up in the basement. 76% of women can be convinced that the sound of a gunshot was actually a car backfiring.

What is going on. . . .

Sometimes you can just tell by the way people talk that they’re not as smart as they think. Debra would say stuff like ‘intensive purposes’ instead of ‘intents and purposes.’ And ‘pacific’ instead of ‘specific.’

100% of vegans are snooty and attention-seeking, and they’re impossible to please.

(If a woman ever freely decides where to eat, alarm bells should immediately go off.)

Two days later, Debra would die after spraying herself with hydrofluoric acid that had somehow made its way into her perfume bottle. Sad. But she wasn’t going to be a doctor anyway.

and kick the cat in the face

I might have to stop reading, he's gone too far

97% of people who fancy themselves dark poets are talentless fools who type out gibberish and post it online and call it art.)

“Yo, Shorty, that chili smelling good today,” Hector says.

I feel sick

I try a bite for myself and agree it’s tasty.

What?!

At one point, Sara pulls poop out of my butt and smears it on me. I find it somewhat ironic that I was enjoying doing that to myself the night before.

I can't cope