100% Match

by Patrick C. Harrison III

I can’t see my wienie, my little pecker, my loving love rod, unless I lean forward.

Lol que

I have masturbated to Miss Danbury three times, though. Once while I was at work.

Ew

Two days later, Debra would die after spraying herself with hydrofluoric acid that had somehow made its way into her perfume bottle. Sad. But she wasn’t going to be a doctor anyway.

Bruh huh

I put a bowl of milk out for the cat then watch a documentary on heroin addiction among transvestites in Wisconsin then cut up the dead kid in my basement and vacuum seal the pieces and store them in the freezer down there.

Sick

Unfortunately, Wendy died that night, along with all five of her children and three other residents, when her apartment building burned down. Another artist gone before her time.

Wtf

At 11:30, I go to the restroom and take a poop into the same zip-lock baggy then add this to the chili.

What.the.mother.fucking.fuck.

I don’t tell her that Mother died of poisoning and Father died by jumping in front of a bus.

After a long shower, I pee into a coffee mug and put it in the microwave for eighty-two seconds and put a sleepy time teabag into it. I drink this while watching a documentary about the prevalence of necrophilia in the concentration camps of World War II.

WHATTTTTTTTTTT

I have trouble getting to sleep, so I stick my finger in my butt and count to fifty.

Like wtf is this bro

I recognize the barista as a young woman whose miniature schnauzer I killed last year.

Man what

Pulling my license from my wallet, I hand her both items and fart loudly.

LMFAOAOAAOAOOA WHAT THE HELL

I yawn but Sara appears not to notice. She tells me about a time when she visited Alaska with her parents, but I’m having trouble following her story. The music, even though it’s low, seems to weave in and out of her words. I watch Sara’s lips moving, trying to read the words as well as hear them. I yawn again. I’m

Did he so happen to meet his match?

She gags and leans over me, removing her hand and vomiting directly into the funnel she’s stuffed into my mouth. It’s hot and sour and chunky, filling my mouth and gagging me.

BROOOOOOO YUCK TF

All of this, apparently, is at the request of different people from different places. Her patrons, I suppose.

She pulls out my teeth with pliers and runs screws up my nose and cuts my penis off and shoves it up my butt and uses a giant dildo to shove it up further.

Bro huh

And that one lady just happens to be my perfect match. My 100% match.