100% Match

by Patrick C. Harrison III

My license was suspended after an unfortunate incident involving a raccoon, a bottle of castor oil, and a road trip down to Galveston.

I also throw things when the opportunity arises; like if a cat walks into my yard, I’ll throw it into the street.

I can just as easily derive sexual pleasure from mayonnaise jars or crawdad holes. And have.

I was forcibly removed from a church once, after an incident involving a rolled-up newspaper, three candles, a priest, and a confessional.

That night, to celebrate a successful date with Sara, I smear my own feces across my naked body then violate the officer’s corpse with her nightstick while I watch a documentary on extreme body modification.