If Only I Had Told Her
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Read between June 4 - June 10, 2025
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He’ll never see her again.
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another song plays that makes me think of her.
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I hope she’s absorbing the words from the songs, like my love could be a protective spell, even if she’s unaware of
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how much I adore you—“whether
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And it’s responsible for everything that we consider to be ‘us.’
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Autumn, word by word, and I wish I could understand how your brain is able to do that.”
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It records all this information and still misses so much.”
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She smiles at me, making my heart beat faster.
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maybe, on some level, her brain understands that I’m playing this song for her.
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“I’m never drinking rum and Coke again.”
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I’m not sure which I want more: for her to stay or for me to read it.
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that she’s not ready to share it. “No. It’s time.”
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glance at her beautiful, scared face, then begin to read.
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I’m already falling under the spell of her words.
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I want to tell her that I’m honored to have glimpses of our lives in her book, but I know she’d want me to keep reading.
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It’s us. It’s not us. It’s us. It’s not us.
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Aden is kissing Izzy, and she is kissing him back.
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my brain, ever ready to multitask when it comes to Autumn, takes note of her occasional glances at me.
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Aden sees through Izzy’s insecurities and appreciates her strengths.
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But the way that Aden loves Izzy? That is me.
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But if Autumn has depicted my love in such perfect nuance, then it means she knows. It means she’s always known, always understood how I feel about her.
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“Why did you have to leave me like that?”
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She wasn’t ready? I scared her.
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She wasn’t ready? And I scared her.
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I’d tried to be romantic, but I’d missed her cues.
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“I’m sorry. I hate myself for hurting you.”
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“I never know what to do to make you happy, do I?”
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“You make me happier than any other person ever has.”
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Autumn wasn’t ready for me to kiss her. Autumn doesn’t want me to apologize for kissing her. I make her happy.
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“What if I kissed you right now?”
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“That would make me happy.”
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You aren’t facing her, my brain gently nudges me.
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All apologies, every apology, is forgotten, and my lips are on hers. I am only my lips. No other part of me exists. Autumn. I’m kissing Autumn.
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Don’t fuck this up, Finn.
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This is real. This is happening.
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She wants this. She wants me.
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I’m simply a soul existing ecstatically in the universe.
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Time and space are meaningless, temporary, inconsequential to me.
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Autumn wants me.
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“Oh, Autumn.” My friend. My dream. My love.
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Autumn seduced me.
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You are cherished. I kiss her forehead. I’ll be whatever you need me to be after this. I kiss her cheek. Whatever you want me to be. I kiss her other cheek. “Don’t cry. It’s okay.”
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I’ve never known euphoria like this.
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I’m so happy that I could die.
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“I know that you know I’ve been in love with you for forever. You don’t have to pretend.”
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“I’ve always known that you knew.”
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Why is Autumn upset that I knew that she knew I loved her? I’m not mad at her for knowing it.
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“You liked me like that back then?”
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“But isn’t that why you stopped hanging out with me in middle school? Because you got tired of me wanting to be more than just friends?”
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“But after I kissed you, you knew?”