If Only I Had Told Her

by Laura Nowlin

So forgive me if I ever swore to you that this book would never exist. At the time, I believed it with my whole artist’s heart. But life is like that sometimes, and that’s a good thing.

I’d rather give away all my games than lose a minute of whatever has been happening between us since Jamie broke up with her.

We weren’t touching, but it felt like the atoms between us were warm with my love for her.

This is heaven: her forehead pressed into me, her head under my arm, and my hand on her shoulder. We found each other by instinct.

It’s more like Autumn is a real princess but from an alien planet. She is the most confident and insecure person I’ve ever known.

It is cosmically unfair how beautiful Autumn is. It puts me at such a disadvantage. Her brilliant, goofy brain was already enough. Why must she have a perfect face too?

How am I going to live the rest of my life in love with Autumn Davis with no hope of reciprocation?

My love for her is the closest thing I have to religion. But it’s okay that she doesn’t feel the same. I’m fine. I can handle it.

Maybe you are the two stupidest people on earth who somehow don’t realize you’re in love with each other,

She looks amazing; that’s how she looks by default.

“Just don’t think about it too much,” she says quietly, but I’m already falling under the spell of her words.

I’m finishing this tonight.

Lol same

My friend. My dream. My love.

“Sorry,” I say. “I was trying to decide whether I should kill Jack for telling you I was into you or if I should kill him for telling you that I wasn’t into you. Tough call.”

There’s no medicine for this pain.

Finn is never coming home again.

Finn’s story is over.

He won’t get to be with Autumn. The memory of his joy last night hits me again.

No matter how horrible, I wish Finn was able to feel something, anything.

“I thought you should know that he was really, really happy.” For the briefest of moments, joy lights her face, and then it burns out again.

“You were the biggest, most impossible dream for him.”

“Life can be and often is fiercely cruel,”

People say only the good die young, but someone once told me it wasn’t true, that we only remember the good things about those who die young. I don’t know who is correct.

“Jack, if you really are my friend, can you do something for me?” “I mean,” I say, “if I really am your friend, can you stop questioning it like that?”

“You won’t forget. You’ll never forget,” he says.

“Someday,” Brett says, “you’ll think of Finn, and it won’t hurt. It’s not that the hurt ever goes away. You saw me today. But sometimes? Sometimes when I remember Todd, I’m just happy that I got to be his brother. Someday you’ll have that with Finn. I know it.”

“I doubt she’s okay, Jack,” Sylvie says. “But she is alive.”

“Everyone always says they’re fine. Everyone can’t be fine all the time. We all just pretend it’s true.”

I’m so, so grateful that Finn was once alive and that I got to love him. That he got to love and be loved. And be loved still.

Not wanting to be dead isn’t quite the same as wanting to be alive.

“It’s still worth it, Autumn, even if they die.”

“It’s fine, Autumn. We’ve been friends long enough for me to know you get weird sometimes.” “That’s offensive, Angie. I’m always weird, and you know it,” I tease,

“Love is an action, and all the actions you are taking speak of love.”

But for today, I can feel how Finny is still with me.