If Only I Had Told Her

by Laura Nowlin

How many times am I going to remember that being dead means you’re never going to do shit again?

I could never go years without thinking about Finn. No matter how long I live, he’s always going to be one of the best guys I’ve ever known.

:(

It hurts to think that I’d go a day without thinking about him, but I surely won’t hurt like this forever, which means I’ll have to stop thinking about Finn.

Except I won’t figure out what it means for me if I keep thinking about Finn being here. Because he’s not. And that hurts. But it’s true. Breathe. So. For Finn’s sake. Because he would want me to. I need to let myself accept his death. Breathe. And that hurts. But the truth hurts. I’ll just have to breathe through it.

As I push the mower, I think about how the leaves above my head would soon be changing color and falling, and he won’t see it. He won’t see the new leaves in the spring.

Ok.

“There’re always things that we could have done differently. What matters is what we do now.”

“Everyone always says they’re fine. Everyone can’t be fine all the time. We all just pretend it’s true.” “I guess I’m not good at pretending,” she says. “Maybe you used to be too good at pretending.”

When she hugs me goodbye, it doesn’t feel like goodbye. It feels like hugging Finn. I know now that she’s going to be part of my life for a long time.

crying

I’m so, so grateful that Finn was once alive and that I got to love him. That he got to love and be loved. And be loved still.

Not wanting to be dead isn’t quite the same as wanting to be alive.

Oh God. Everything stops. There’s no boutique. There’s no onesie in my hand. I’m sitting on that hospital bed with him, and he loves me, but I don’t know it.

I can hear his voice, really hear him say it. No. I don’t truly think it’s him, though there was a time when I entertained the idea. I’ve accepted this new reality without Finny, yet I can’t stop myself from thinking about him. And when I do? There he is.

icant

“I kinda want to hear. Not wanting to hear from them isn’t the same as not wanting to hear about them. When I say that I don’t forgive them, I mean I don’t want them in my life anymore, not that I wish them ill.”

If I had known. If I had only known. Things would have been different.

“All we can do is live in the reality we’re in.

Complaining because choosing to do the hard thing turned out to be hard.”

There’s nothing more to say to make it better, because it is hard, and it’s going to be hard for a while.

“Just because something seems impossible doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying,”

We pause then, reflecting on that little red car, the car he had loved and that had been at the scene of his death. That little car where I had stared at his profile in the dashboard light and wanted so much to whisper those three words that would have changed our lives. As you wish.

I cant

This baby isn’t what’s left over from our love story. This baby is our story’s continuation.

I’ve learned that life and hearts are complicated.

I know that there will be days when it feels like there won’t be a future. But for today, I can feel how Finny is still with me.