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Except the hallways were plastered with gigantic photos of Coates, all action shots and bad-ass poses, and it gave the facility a cozy North Korean vibe, like Coates was the Supreme Leader being worshiped.
Most of these guys had been dropped into the sadistic kind of mind fuck that would have made a Zen Buddhist monk climb the walls and swing from a chandelier.
They were peanut butter and jelly: Brody was nuts, Lawson was sweet, and together, they could hallelujah the county.
“I’ll make you proud, Morgan.” “I know you will, Darlin’.”
He was a fucking dream. I had to look away to breathe again.
But he didn’t, and I didn’t, and we ended the night the same way we’d started: as teammates, nothing more.
But he’d ignite me if I tried. I knew he would.
“You do. You’re giving them exactly what they need.” He resettled himself, getting comfortable, and then laid his cheek on my shoulder. His eyes slipped shut as I frowned. Was he… Yeah, he was. He was really going to do it, was going to use me as a pillow. Within minutes, before we were taxiing to the runway, he was asleep.
There were reasons I’d put Shea off-limits. Big capital R Reasons. Warning sirens blared at full volume inside me. A-woo-gah, damn it. A-fucking-woo-gah. There’s nothing simple here, nothing at all.
The team was in good spirits at lunch, and they ate their body weight in burritos and fajitas. Combine a professional athlete’s metabolism with a teenager’s? You’ve created a new supervillain, Always Eats Man, attacking your wallet today.
I needed a moment, or a shot, or a hammer to the head.
The night I had to wash my father’s blood off my hands was the night I decided no one else was going to get a piece of me large enough to break.
He was Shea. He was wonderful.
“How are you?” I asked. I felt like shit asking because how do you ask someone you made cry how they’re doing? Shea had every right to tell me, I’m fine, no thanks to you, asshole. In fact, I’m dating this supermodel volunteer firefighter now, would you like to see his Insta? He rescues puppies and sponsors orphans, and we take long walks holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes.
I wanted, and I wanted not to want. I didn’t know where to turn. Up or down, left or right, there was always Shea.
Him, the lights, the happy chatter of the wives, the laughter of the kids, our teammates scattered across the yard. All of it caught in my chest like one giant balloon.
He was asleep. Not just dozing, full-on knocked out. His cheek was pillowed against my shoulder, his mouth open, his exhales tickling my neck above the collar of my T-shirt. He’d passed out with his pen in hand, our notebook open on his lap.
We celebrated like we’d won the goddamn Cup in the dressing room. Sprayed soda all over each other, jumped up and down, turned the music as loud as it would go. We were freestyle rapping, dancing like fools, high-fiving, high clapping, disgusting, sticky with sweat and soda. We were flying a million miles high, smiling so wide our cheeks hurt more than our bodies.
It felt like an eternity passed, my thoughts whirling in a dozen different directions. That’s a wall he just put up, and you went full Wile E. Coyote into it. Get up and go. No, stay. Apologize. Or pretend it never happened. Remember: team, leadership. Remember, most of all, that Shea deserves more. Better than you.
Brody deked, sold the goalie on a fake Lawson had taught him, and slammed the puck into the net. Roof daddy, top shelf. Fucking score.
My favorite was “Outlaws Dust off their Ball Gowns, Cinderella Story Commences.” We were Cinderella, but we’d also busted all the clocks. Midnight wasn’t coming for us. There were no pumpkins on our horizon. We’d clawed our way from last-place obscurity, the league afterthought, to fourth overall in our division.
“You’re a good man, Morgan,” Shea finally said.
I was going to go with whichever one Shea picked, of course, so now it was my turn to shrug and have no idea what to do. “Dunno. Maybe a rest night is a good idea. Hey, do you want to grab dinner with me?”
“Morgan,” he breathed, so softly I don’t think I was supposed to hear him. He nuzzled my jaw, pressed his lips to my neck. “I’m in love with you.”
I’m yours. I’m yours as long as you want me. You can smash me to pieces, shatter me into smithereens, and it will all be worth it, just for the chance to be part of your life.
“I don’t want the world.” Shea slipped his hand into mine, wove our fingers together. “I want you, Morgan. I just want you.”
Dating Shea was exhilarating. No. It was balls-out terror, white-knuckling to hold on to the edges of the world, every breath, every moment, singing out like crystal about to shatter. It was cartwheeling on the edge of a blade.
When Brody wanted to be especially cute, he called me Dad. Dad’s talking, everyone shut up! Dad, where do I get new laces? Dad, shit, I popped a skate blade.
You know, things started being perfect in July.
Yeah. I think so, too.
And I’ll be yours, as long as you want me.
“I been sayin’ that for ten damn years.” Brody’s dad’s eyes were bright, and his mustache twitched left and right above a broad grin. “Glad you agree, since you’re apparently Brody’s away-from-home daddy now.”
John held out his gloved hand. “Welcome to the family.”
Shea gnawed on his lip. “Okay,” he breathed. “Then that’s the date. That’s when we’re getting married.”
This was the image I’d come back to for years when I remembered our wedding: driving up on this place and hearing Shea’s exhale, and feeling all the tiny pieces inside me slot into their forever places. Here. Here, us. Forever.
“Shea,” I started again. My voice cracked, wavered. “You are every dream I didn’t know I had, and every future I never knew I wanted, come true. I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy, or to love life this fully. Loving you has changed everything. Now, my future is yours, and my hopes and dreams are tied tight to your hopes and dreams.” My hand fumbled in my pocket for Shea’s ring. I’d kept it in the pocket of my shirt right over my heart, keeping it warm for him, and I held it at the tip of his ring finger. A sunbeam caught the diamond and fractured, scattering rainbows across the
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We didn’t separate. Instead, we stood with our foreheads together as Shea began to whisper his vows. “Morgan,” he started. “I love you for exactly who you are today, and for who you have always been: the man of my dreams, and the man I’ve waited my whole life for. I marry you today, loving each and every one of your very many strengths and your very few faults.” He grinned as I chuffed out a single laugh. My cheeks were burning. “Forever is not long enough with you—” Shea’s voice wavered “—but from today forward, every moment is ours.” He reached into his pocket and fished out my ring, held it
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“Husband.” I kissed his lips and ran my hands down his back. “My husband.”
I could never, ever leave. Him, me, us. My husband, my fucking husband. I kissed him everywhere I could, lips on his cheeks and his chin and his neck and under his jaw, murmuring his name and “I love you.”
He tasted as perfect as I’d imagined. And, fuck, the noises Shea made. The panting whimpers, the bitten-off gasps, the way he clawed at my shoulders and pulled my hair and whined.
Until Shea. Until I lost my heart to Shea, and then lost the rest of me to our team, and now, every thought I had of the future was wrapped up in a Shea-and-the-Outlaws bow, and all my dreams were of other peoples’ happiness coming true. “You already made everything come true for me,” I told him.
Lawson was crying by the end. He’d gone pinched in the face and wide-fucking-eyed when we started describing the grove, and then sniffed his way through the abbreviated vows we shared with the group. When we showed off the pictures, he was a goner, wiping at his eyes before he pulled us both in.
I bet you’re really damn glad I convinced you to stay now, aren’t you, Moogs? Yes, Kit-Kat. I am. I so, so am.
Then it was practice time, for real, but we kept the balloons on our sticks and the cans on the goals, and Brody kept his bundle tied to his shorts. Every time he skated by, he sounded like bongo drums banging at full fucking speed. He was noticeably slower, thanks to all that drag, but he called it his wedding celebration handicap and refused to take them off.
“You saved my life, and then you took care of me. You took care of me for a long time. There’s a lot of things I regret, and I know I should have been a better mother to you. But how you turned out, and the man you are today, is never one of my regrets. I should have done so many things differently, but when I start thinking down that road, I terrify myself that any change I’d have made would have turned you into a different man. You are perfect, and you are exactly—exactly—what these boys need.”
There was a faint smile pulling at Hazel’s lips. “He loves this place.” “He should, and he should be proud of it. He built it, and he’s the heart and soul of our team.”
Early on, during one of those looks that passed between us, Brody had decided he wanted to live, that he didn’t want to die anymore.
“We’re going to get through this,” I told him. “Day by day. Moment by moment. We’re all going to get through this together.” Shea locked his fingers through mine and nodded. “Together.”
I took those nameplates back to our dressing room and straight to Lawson. I showed him Brody’s nameplate—Zeagler, in our Outlaws font and our Outlaws colors—and then wrapped it around his wrist and tied in a knot. Now he could wear Brody’s name during the game beneath his glove and keep him close, the way he needed. I needed Shea close to me, too. “Can you tie Shea’s onto my wrist?”
Cinderella had gone to the ball, but now it was time to go home.
