Kid

by Jescie Hall

Today I want to drown in her. Sink down beneath her surface and fucking drown in everything that she is. I want her in my lungs, in my veins, in my soul. I need her to end me in all the ways imaginable so I can live in her dark, impenetrable hell.

She’s the gateway drug to a lifetime of addictions, not of this world. Her drug is the kind that you overdose on, knowing you’ll never be the same again after her. She enlightens in the way that you can only hope to hold on to the ignorance of not knowing her, because life after her will crush the deepest part of the soul you deny owning.

We were open books, our words blending together to form our own beautifully tragic kind of tale. One that can only be written with our tongues, read with our fingertips to flesh, understood only with our souls.

This is the ultimate connection. We are becoming one. Every part of me wants to flow through every part of her. I want us breathing the same air, today and every day. The fire that makes up who she is; the only thing running through me, igniting my cold heart into a fury of flames, uncontrollable and forever unable to be tamed. I can’t live without this woman. I wouldn’t want to.

She’s all I can ever think about. Drugs and alcohol don’t come close to touching the deep-rooted discomfort that comes from her shutting down on me. Nothing will. Only her. She’s my cure, she’s my remedy, she’s my only rehabilitation away from the colorless life I knew.

We’re insane together, toxic even. We enjoy pushing each other to the point of madness in order to feel something. But you find yourself by getting lost in the darkness, and losing ourselves in one another seems to be our own form of chaotic reckoning.

“If sanity is the ability to act in a normal, rational manner, exhibiting reasonable behavior, then it’s more than obvious,” I say, before kissing the tip of her delicate nose. “I’m insane for you,” I whisper. “Completely and unavoidably insane.”

We both have our issues that we see reflected in each other. We bring them forward in a way no one else ever could. Exposing our truths and ripping ourselves raw of the shields we’ve spent so much time creating, finally allowing the facts to pierce through us.

We push each other to the ultimate undoing, finding freedom in our release from the chains of societal standards. Our venom, poisoning the bloodstreams of one another, until we find the perfect mix of toxic that keeps us inevitably mortal.

I could never leave a world with him in it.