Kid

by Jescie Hall

“You might not like men, but you’ll like me,” I say, laying on the charm.

“I’ll break your heart, you know,” she comments, making me pause. “Gotta have a heart to break, sweetheart. And trust me, there ain’t nothing in here worth reviving.” I pound my fist on my chest with a cheesy grin. She walks around me, her eyes never leaving mine before she settles against the wall to my right. “Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.” She blinks flirtatiously, giving me a wicked grin, before rolling off the wall and walking away. I stand here stunned for a moment. I think I just met the female version of myself. This is what I’d look like as a chick. I’m hot as fuck. I’m into me.

If it isn’t clear already, I gravitate towards toxicities like a moth to a flame.

“I see something I want and I need it. It’s who I am. I have an addictive personality. I’m weak, I give in to what gives me pleasure,”

“I’m a free spirit. I love beautiful people. Guys, girls… It’s the soul that’s attractive, you see.” “I get hard for a sexy soul,”

Why the fuck did they put me up in the room with all the sun? Don’t they know me at all? I need darkness. Lots of fucking darkness.

“I like the smell of mutt. It’s endearing. Bitches love it.” He scowls at me, looking down at me in disgust. “I mean bitches, like literally bitches.” I sigh as he continues to glare at me. “Female dogs? Because I’m a...dog? Do you, you get it?

“Are you mad at me? Are we fighting? I don’t wanna fight Han, I wanna make up. Let’s make up.” I wave my fingers towards me. “Come here, kiss it away.”

I came here to find her. I want to know her, not clit-pierced-try-hard. I want to know what makes her laugh, what she was like in high school, why she wears her hair in that quirky, signature way. I want to know why she moved to California, what her first time was like, who motivates her, what her favorite taste is. I have a strange, insatiable need to know Han.

We get to work. Hawke has me on top of the roof of one of their properties, fixing shingles. Shingles. The dirtiest work I’ve ever done was sell dope to a crack fiend in an old abandoned warehouse, not standing my tall, unbalanced ass on top of a house. I’m scared.

I’m more wheat grass whereas he’s an oak tree. But wheat grass can be healthy for you when blended into a smoothie. I’m great for immune systems.

“No one is too old for me. It’s about the soul, remember? Your soul makes me hard. Achingly hard.”

But falling never felt so fucking good.

Today I want to drown in her. Sink down beneath her surface and fucking drown in everything that she is. I want her in my lungs, in my veins, in my soul. I need her to end me in all the ways imaginable so I can live in her dark, impenetrable hell.

She’s the gateway drug to a lifetime of addictions, not of this world. Her drug is the kind that you overdose on, knowing you’ll never be the same again after her. She enlightens in the way that you can only hope to hold on to the ignorance of not knowing her, because life after her will crush the deepest part of the soul you deny owning.

If the room were to be a theme room, it’d look as if it was some Game of Thrones knockoff. This is where you come to suck off the queen.

My mama didn’t raise no fool. A fuck-up? Sure, but a fool? Hell nah.

“I’m not going into this with expectations of who I want you to be, Han. I love you, that means all of you. I love that you are obsessed with death, I love that you bend time to avoid it. I love your crunchy plants, your obsession with gummy worms, the way you stare off into the night, searching for the deeper meaning to life. The things I love about you have nothing to do with what you can do for me or who I want you to be, I’m obsessed with who you are as a person, how your past has formed this mysterious, alluring, phenomenally captivating woman through the experiences you’ve unfortunately endured.”

I don’t even know how to feel anymore. I want to fucking hate her. I want to hate her. Fuck! I want to hate her.

“I’m just a shattered fool in love with a broken girl.”

I don’t think I could ever hit a woman. But, if one is begging me to slap her around a bit in order to get off, I may just need to change my approach on that topic.

I was trying to look fly for my girl. Guess this isn’t the right outfit to get murdered in?

But, I mean, seriously, who brings someone to a therapist for a date? Kai, that’s who.

"It's okay if you fail. Own that you made the decision to try, even if it wasn't planned."