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August 25 - August 30, 2023
He likes to feel cared for. He likes that someone in his life wants things for him aside from what he does for them in return.
“You’re prettier than any of them even without makeup,”
My eyes sting, and suddenly I feel fragile and uncertain. Under that beautiful, careless exterior of his lies a heart far larger than anyone out back realizes, and it’s been a very long time since someone has offered to take care of me, hasn’t simply assumed I’d figure it out. I’m not sure why it makes me so happy and sad at once that he’s the exception.
“Because,” I say, unable to meet his eyes, “everyone in your life seems to take something from you, and that’s not what friends do. I guess I’d rather be your friend.”
He’s taken that bitter parting shot of hers and made it his motto, embraced the idea that he isn’t loving or loveable, when nothing could be further from the truth. If he was mine, I’d have held on with everything I had.
“I just watched the way he looked at you, honey,” she says with a knowing smile. “And believe me, that look had nothing to do with coffee.”
“You have the purest face I’ve ever seen in my life,”
Matt and I could laugh at the same things, but he was never the one who made me laugh. He never inspired that tickling crawl of joy in my rib cage the way Hayes does when he says something ridiculous.
And he definitely didn’t kiss like Hayes does, which makes me wonder what else I’ve been missing out on.
“Hey, Tali?” he says, stopping me as I reach the door. “Don’t give up on him, okay? He needs you more than he’ll ever admit.”
You don’t have to do everything alone, you know.”
“Look, I was...I didn’t expect him to be...” He blows out a breath. “I like that you have an encyclopedic knowledge of Thomas Hardy. I like that you’re well read, far better read than I am. But you and I get along in a way I don’t with anyone else, and I guess it bothered me to see that you get along just as well with him.”
“If it were an option,” he says, suddenly fierce, “I’d never be willing to share you.”
he needs a firecracker, someone as strong as he is, as smart as he is, an equal.
“I’m well aware I’m not good enough for her,” Hayes growls, pushing Matt against the Ferrari, “but this stops now. If I ever hear of you approaching her like this, in public or in private, I will fucking ruin your life, and don’t think for a minute I can’t.”
“As I’ve told you before, I’d never be willing to share you.”
And I realize something: I never felt this way with Matt. I never felt content and heartbroken and complete with him. I never felt seen. He was never so deep in my blood that I felt his sadness and his joy as if it was my own, as if it mattered more than my own. There wasn’t a sign from Matt because he was never right for me in the first place. And Hayes is, but I’ve discovered it too late.
Everyone—from neighbors to cashiers to the librarian—asks me if it’s good to be back. I have to lie, because I can’t tell anyone that home, for me, is no longer a place. It’s the sound of Hayes’s laugh, and the sight of him brushing his hair out of his eyes, or reluctantly drinking a smoothie he hates solely because I made it for him. It’s the way he struggles not to smile when I imitate his accent, his singular willingness to always say the worst possible thing. Home is Hayes, and I am going to miss him every minute of the day for a long, long time.
Every step of the way with him, I’ve wanted to avoid pain. I’ve been the one to jump and run, to make the poorly timed joke before any exchange felt intimate. But I hurt him in the process of protecting myself, and that’s so much worse. The point was never whether or not I could trust again, because love isn’t an exchange. It’s not something you hand out only if it can be returned in equal measure. Love is handing your fragile heart to someone else because you want him to have it, no matter what he’ll do in response. You do it because you love him more than you love yourself.
“Tali, I’m so in love with you it terrifies me,” he says. “And you’re the only thing that’s mattered for quite a while now.
No, I guess not. I saw he was changing, but it’s only now I realize he was changing for me. I go on my toes to kiss him.
