The In-Between: Unforgettable Encounters During Life's Final Moments

by Hadley Vlahos

I reminded myself to live for today, not the fears of tomorrow—a promise I had made to myself when I started working in hospice.

I wish I would have spent more time with my loved ones. I wish I’d just eaten the damn cake.”

“Hadley,” she said, looking me directly in the eye, “does your job make you happy?” “It does.” I shrugged. “Then that’s all that matters,” Babette said firmly, as if the matter was settled. “Life is short—don’t I know it! And if your happiness doesn’t affect anyone else, well, then screw ’em! They don’t get a say in the matter.”

“As I was looking around,” he continued, “I noticed something that I think you should see too. Look around at the headstones.” I scanned the cemetery; so many last names of patients I had cared for stared back at me. “That’s a lot of people I love,” I said, tearing up.

“It’s a whole lot, Hadley,” he said. “It’s a lot of peaceful passings you assisted with. It’s also a heavy burden to carry, and I think it might be time to talk to a therapist. Not because anything is wrong with you, but because you’re a good nurse and I don’t want to see you burn out.” “I feel like the worst nurse ever today,” I told him. Steve put his arm around me and squeezed. “I know, kid. But better days are coming, okay?” “We’ll see,” I replied.

We think of death and dying as being so gray and serious—and, of course, in many ways it is. But amidst that, there are also moments of levity and humor, even if that humor is sometimes dark.

‘What we once deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.’

I felt their pain, I felt their loss, and it affected me deeply. To be honest, I think this ability to feel what other people are feeling is part of what makes me a good nurse, and especially a good hospice nurse. But it also takes a personal toll, and I’m sure it’s one of the reasons why nurses experience so many mental health challenges and don’t last for long in the field.

Empathy, on the other hand, is the ability to feel for a person and their situation without being personally affected by it. Empathy allows me to be present and compassionate without taking on a situation as my own, and it has allowed me to continue being a good nurse without burning out or engaging in the dark humor that so many people in my profession do, for their own sanity. It has allowed me to be a witness to one of the most important moments in a person and their loved ones’ lives.