Only Love Can Hurt Like This

by Paige Toon

I need this coffee break.

My mother has always told me to trust my instincts. But it’s hard to trust your instincts when they’re breaking your heart.

God knows, I don’t need any more stress in my life right now.

I was much more vocal as a teenager, much more willing to speak up if I felt that something was unfair.

I’m tougher than I used to be, not because I fight, but because I don’t. That’s the way I cope, the way I ensure that things don’t hurt me as much as they used to.

!!!

It’s not panning out to be the most relaxing holiday of all time, but I’ve liked keeping busy and going to bed with aching muscles and tired eyes.

The important thing is, I have hope.

I’ve been finding myself longing for a thunderstorm, one that sends lightning spearing across the sky and rain crashing down with a vengeance,

I messaged him last week to let him know I was staying in Indiana.

Whyyy

“Are you a goth?”

Lol what!?

“That’s an invitation!” Bailey hisses, jabbing my phone screen with her finger.

Lolol i like her

greenhouses at Kew in London

Omg king george!!!

My dad can’t even bring himself to hug me more than twice a year.

crisp white waffle bedspread.

Oooooo

and once more, jitters ramp up in my stomach. I wish I didn’t feel so on edge.

“My dad can’t even hug me. I mean, he hugged me when I came here and he’ll hug me when I leave, but this side of my family doesn’t really do physical affection.

I fled the UK to put some distance between Scott and me and now I’m fleeing America to escape Anders.

Yikes

One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Because it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks, every child should be told that they’re beautiful by their parents.

Stay strong, the voice inside my head reminds me.

Bailey and I throw our arms around each other and beam at the camera.

Aw

We talk about everything and nothing, listen to music, and sit in companionable silence.

“I love you too, Little Bird. Fly back to us as soon as you can.”

Aw

But whatever. I don’t fucking care anymore. My insides are cold steel.

These thoughts are dangerous so I try to stop thinking them.

But there’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want in a partner and striving for it. Life’s too short. You’ve got to be honest with yourself about the sort of life you want, the sort of person you’d like to spend it with. As long as you’re kind to the people around you, which you are, you should be true to yourself.”

I squeeze Laurie’s hand, trying to warm her up, and then I feel this horrible compulsion to squeeze her hand so hard that she’ll pull it away from me, just so I can get some sort of human response from her.

Oh boy oof

trying to keep human interactions to a bare minimum.

Feel that

Only we can know our personal limits, what we’re able to endure,