Dear Dolly: Collected Wisdom

by Dolly Alderton

Every time your single friend has dinner with you and your boyfriend, make sure you have dinner with her and someone who is important in her life – maybe that’s her best friend from work or her sibling. Every time she goes to the home you share with your partner, make sure you go to her flat where she lives with housemates or alone. If one day you have children and she comes round to play with them, you should, in turn, think of a way in which you can show her the same level of care.

But I also think part of the work of being human is to forgive ourselves when we realize that we were conditioned to think things we eventually learn to be wrong.

Having boundaries doesn’t mean being self-absorbed, it means being truthful about what you can comfortably give. It means self-preservation and self-respect. It means deep intimacy with the people you love, because you’re being honest with each other.

But my independence brings me an enormous sense of pride. To feel like you can be with yourself – that you can keep yourself safe and be at peace in your own company – I now believe is the greatest and quietest confidence a human can know.

Allow me a little whimsical bullshit to finish: the key is to externalize your spirit. Think of her as a friend or a twin sister. A girl you’ve known your whole life who is going to be with you until your last day on Earth. You do share your life with someone. She is your company for ever. Listen to her, nourish her, challenge her. Learn together. Be in conversation with her always – remove her from situations when she is unhappy and lean into pleasure when that is what she wants.