You're That Bitch: & Other Cute Lessons About Being Unapologetically Yourself

by Bretman Rock

Let the emotion out, even if people around you shame you for showing emotions. Give yourself permission to cry—I

Ask for counseling.

A lot of cultures look down on seeing a shrink and think it’s weak, but there’s absolutely no shame in getting real help.

Channel your sadness into a healthy activity.

You shouldn’t be scared of your own family. You should be able to say no to your uncle,

One thing we all had in common is that we are all tough lovers. You would never hear the phrase “I love you” in my household. No no no. You would never see us hugging in that household. But you would always hear the loudest laughter. And no compliments ever, except backhanded ones.

Some of my proudest moments as a kid would be going back to my mom and saying, “Look, I doubled the money you gave me!” And she’d say, “Okay, you can give back what I gave you and you can keep what you made.” And that, bitches, was how I was taught business.

It's very nice that she didn't just take all of it

I’ve always tried to teach myself about Native Hawaiian history and culture. One thing I’ve learned from true Hawaiians is that “Aloha” is so much more than what a tourist’s definition of the word is. Yes, it means hello and goodbye and I love you, but it’s so much more. The root of Aloha is actually not alo—it’s ha, which means “the breath of life.” Back in the day, when Hawaiians would say hello and goodbye, they would touch foreheads and exchange breath.

What’s funny then is that the word for white people, Haole, comes from the roots ha, “breath,” and ole, “no.” The direct translation for Haole is “no breath,” because when you’re out of breath, you turn white. Imagine, if you will, all of these islanders seeing white voyagers for the very first time, centuries ago, and thinking they were sick or dead because they were so pasty. LOL.

Something I learned about and relate to so deeply is what Hawaiians call the Aloha spirit. If you really live here, you should understand that Aloha is not just a word, it’s an energy and an aura that’s indescribable, that lives within us. I feel so grounded in Hawaii, in this sense of Aloha. It makes me feel most like a human being when I feel the waves of the South Pacific on my skin, when I can feel so close to the earth, to my family, to my community. I always try to embody that energy, the energy of Hawaii, wherever I go, because it’s so kind and positive and hopeful. The Aloha spirit is everything to me.

Think about doing something you’re good at and that has little to no overhead, like crafting, dog walking, fixing cars, or tech support for all the oldies in your life.

Come up with the cutest name for your business. But not too cute.

Put in 150 percent and see if you’re still into it. If you’re having fun and you don’t even know how much time has gone by when you’re working on something, that shows that you’re passionate.

Lean on your community. One thing that I love about Filipinos so much is that we really do genuinely bring each other up. And that reflects especially in my work today—Asians and Pacific Islanders have all gotten me where I am now. People always like helping out young people with a dream and drive.

Most important, don’t get high on you...

I have a resting bitch face. I always look like I hate everyone in the world, and it’s not true!

I don’t want everybody to be sad with me,

mental health is important to me, for you, for everyone. Even though my life may look perfect online because I live in a pretty place and I’m cute, it’s not all glitter and rainbows all the time. I have shit I’m dealing with, too, but I’ve never even been in therapy, so keep that in mind when you read what I’m about to share, which I’m only doing in case my stories help anyone out there get through some similar tough times.

If you tell me not to touch things that makes me want to touch things more.

Even though I have such an elephant brain and I remember so much, my brain is also so good at deleting memories it doesn’t want to remember.

When I’m trying to speak about mental health, my brain doesn’t want to remember the traumas, but, bitch, now that I’m older, I’m trying to learn how to process.

Back in the olden days, māhū were accepted as a “third gender,” and had really cool spiritual and social roles. Māhū were teachers, priests, and healers. Parents would even ask them to name their children. I mean, who does that? It’s funny because there’s also a third gender celebrated in Filipino culture, too, babaylan. Babaylans were traditionally shamans and healers and could be male, female, or trans. It’s kind of a shame that I didn’t know that māhū and babaylan were both such beautiful words and spiritual roles until later in life. It made no sense for the kids to call me “māhū” in a negative way. Those boys probably didn’t even know that their own ancestors included māhūs, or that they had been complimenting me the whole time.

I also realized I couldn’t shove all the abuse down and not deal with it. Something I was taught all the way back in the Philippines was to have humility and compassion.

I had to teach myself resilience as a little kid.

Buddy up Surround yourself with your allies so you never feel alone.

Don’t have a big reaction

not showing that you care takes away their power. Remember, they’re bullying you because they’re feeling fragile about something.

Disarm the bully with humor

Keep ’em laughing, and next thing you know, they could be your friend.

Prepare the perfect comeback

This doesn’t mean insult the bully back, because that’s reacting. Besides, “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind,” as Gandhi is supposed to have said.

say something sassy instead, like “I’ve been called far worse by my grandma,” or better yet, “This is so boring, darling. I’m moving on.”

Walk away Question their shit, but also don’t give them the satisfaction of engaging for too long.

Tell an adult That’s not being a narc, that...

Hurt people hurt people Sometimes a bully isn’t really putting you down per se—they’re more so directing some of the anger they feel toward themselves onto someone else. I know it’s hard—but having ...

There’s a huge difference between dressing up in women’s clothing for yourself, in the safety of your own home with people who know you and love you, and asking the rest of the world to accept you. But by the time the rest of the world has accepted, you realize that the most important people who really need to accept you are just the people you love.

even though I was gay as fuck and everybody knew it. Everybody was still like, How will you know you don’t like girls if you never tried it?

The most beautiful people in this world are the most different looking or the ones who embody every single feature and every single flaw, every single imperfection that they have,

My uniqueness and my features and how I embody masculine and feminine energy. I’m unique as fuck.

being bold and staying true to me.

The best primer, the best thing to start with, is your own self-fucking-confidence, and an understanding of who you are. Because if you build your makeup over your insecurities, you’re just going to be a pretty, insecure person.

just don’t be mean. I know I’m not always perfect—I still have days when my hair looks like pubes.

If people don’t think you deserve something, it shouldn’t matter, because like, don’t we tell that to ourselves enough already? Like trust—whatever someone says to you, you’ve probably heard it before.

Find you someone who believes in you one million percent. No, infinity percent.

The lesson is, always listen to your heart and your stomach.

“My body is my temple.”

Working out is so much more than sweating and sculpting your body. It’s a time to really be with yourself, appreciate your mind and body, and test all of your capabilities.

A lot of my friends have body dysmorphia, and a lot of them are models, and they still don’t love their bodies. But I just want to remind you to stop comparing yourself with anyone else, because ain’t no one cuter than you. Once you realize your competition is only with yourself, you’ll realize it’s just about you and your own finish line.

And remember, a lot of what you see when you see photos of beautiful people on your phone are perfect poses, good lighting, excellent editing, and sometimes . . . a little Facetune.

A compliment has nothing to do with whether or not they are a good person, bitch.