You're That Bitch: & Other Cute Lessons About Being Unapologetically Yourself

by Bretman Rock

It was the first time I ever felt like that bitch.

Without even realizing it, my grandma had given me my superpowers.

So you probably know Bretman Rock the comedian and extrovert who pole dances and calls everybody “bitch,” but you don’t really don’t know Bretman Sacayanan.

they’re about being a queer first-generation Asian immigrant, who just happens to be Da Baddest content creator of all time.

Let’s make one thing clear right off the bat: I identify as a human-fucking-being.

People often ask me what my beliefs are, and the answer is simple: I believe in myself, duh!

I hope you enjoy You’re That Bitch. And if you don’t, you can always eat a dick. I’m just kidding. I hope you have a cute day!

From brown earth I was born, from fertile ground I blossom.

I’m actually glad I experienced being ugly, because now I know how not to look like that ever again. Being gorgeous has always been my destiny—it just took a minute.

Sometimes my grandma got frustrated with me. I was one of those “Why?” kids who needed everything explained to me. “Why is it called Sunday?” “Why do we go to church?” “Why are we going to burn in hell?” But she was the only person who never scolded me, and she always answered all my questions, no matter how stupid or annoying. My grandma was an angel, and I was always by that bitch’s side growing up. I was like her shadow.

Reminds me of my nanay...

My grandma gave me the superpower of feeling like that bitch.

“Are you sure you’re gay?” he’d ask me. “That’s not how gay people eat.”

There is so much power in acceptance. Acceptance created the bad bitch I am today.

That was the moment I realized you can do anything when you’re really feeling yourself. You can do anything you want when you’re a bad bitch.

I was born and raised in the Philippines, a country that literally shuts down to watch the Miss Universe pageant. There are so many Filipino influences that made me the bad bitch I am today, from speaking three languages (Ilocano, Tagalog, and English) to how hard I brush my teeth.

Every Filipino kid’s worst nightmare is seeing a shoe, stick, belt, or slipper because you will get hit with it.

Back when I was a bully for a hot minute, I’d throw poo-covered sticks at my friends. Precious memories.

If there’s one thing about Filipinos, no matter what we’re going through, in general, we’re going to find the silver lining. Instead of complaining, we know the skies will eventually clear up and life goes on.

And if you think I’m funny, bitch, everyone in the Philippines is funny—we literally cannot outfunny each other. It was only when I moved to America that I saw so many distraught people all over the place. It was so weird to me, like Wow, what’s wrong with everyone?

We just love pretty things, and we’re always so excited when anyone represents the Philippines for any reason.

Tell that bitch Heidi Klum we made dresses out of corn husks way before Project Runway.

“Bretman, you know what happens when you fight girls, right?” “What?” “You’re going to start growing boobs.” Then I’d beat my sister up even more. Don’t threaten me with a good time, bitch.

Next time I go back, I think I want a parade for the Morenos and the baklâs. Aunties, make me a sash and set up the chairs!

I think it’s v. important to stay connected to your roots, but at the same time stay open to the idea that maybe some of the old country ways and ideas and traditions can be super flawed, too.

learn your history, honor your traditions, but also keep your eyes and ears open for what maybe needs a little updating and zhuzhing up. And appreciate your uniqueness. We all don’t need to look like the same brand of white—we have to have diversity in this world, even if the media doesn’t celebrate it.

I grew up around that power, and that’s why I don’t let bitches tell me shit.

remember, my mom’s a Scorpio. She was already plotting.

The Aloha spirit is everything to me.

I’m unique as fuck.

“Can you even breathe?” “Bitch, my fucking nose is up here, bitch,” I responded coolly. “My nose is not on my leg. What do you mean, can I fucking breathe? Yes, I can.”

I love himhahahha

I’d earned my street cred by being bold and staying true to me.

People are always asking me, What is the best primer? The best primer is not something you can buy on Amazon, bitch. You can’t use my code for 10 percent off. The best primer, the best thing to start with, is your own self-fucking-confidence, and an understanding of who you are. Because if you build your makeup over your insecurities, you’re just going to be a pretty, insecure person.

I don’t get upset if you call me “he” when you see me working out, or “she” when I look like a goddess. Call me either, just don’t be mean.

You can do anything when you’re pretty and handsome at the same time.

Confidence in yourself is everything.

I liked being called a Thicc Girl. If I turn around in a photo, my ass takes up the whole pic. It’s so exciting!

Working out is so much more than sweating and sculpting your body. It’s a time to really be with yourself, appreciate your mind and body, and test all of your capabilities.

But when he took his underwear off and I got my first look at his penis, I was like, Why is it folded? Is this a flip phone? Is this a taser? Bitch, am I being detained? Where does one begin in this journey? I was confused, but at the same time, I was ready.

I’m just not interested in white guys. I’m so scared of their penises because they’re very pale and you can see through them, and when I can see the veins and it’s purple, it’s like oh my God, no I don’t want that.

im deadd HAHAH

The healer told me there were going to be lots of people in my life who were going to wish me bad, put negative wishes on me, or hex me—but the reason I had so many blessings in my life was because I had one of the strongest energies she’d ever seen, and that would always help me deflect them.

I’m very confident, and therefore I’m also attracted to that. I know who the fuck I am. Do you?

I’m never going to give someone who makes me feel like I have to be silent another chance. And I’ll use my outspokenness in every one of my relationships from now on.

And I will never again make myself small for some man.

This is it. I found my drug. Weed is me.

Girl, if you don’t make your own bed, get your shit together! My mom said something once that stayed with me: “You’re not gonna have a good day if you don’t make your bed.”

my mommy always said the same thing! my bed always made before i leave the house :)

too. To be quite frank, I don’t even know how much money I have, because I see numbers quarterly. I always tell my business managers, I would rather not see my money every day, because for someone who was broke their whole life, money means everything to me. If you remind me how much money I’m making, girl, I’m going act like how much money you tell me I have. If you tell me I made a million in a month, I’m gonna act like I made a million in a month.

Like, before I go to any family function, I like to take a hit of my weed.

So, while other people do shots, I rip bong hits. I love being high. I’m much happier when I smoke weed. I like stinking up my whole house with weed smoke.

SAMEEEE

We went to take the picture, and I took a knee in front of her to show that she was a kween and I was her loyal subject. “I’m gonna sit on him,” Rihanna said, and she sat on my little knee. I swear, I got a good whiff of Rihanna, and it smelled like rich puss.

It could happen. Anything is possible if you manifest it, bitch.