The Bookshop and the Barbarian

by Morgan Stang

And how did she get there? Pig wagon. She rolled into the town of Leafhaven in the back of a wagon filled with pigs. If that seems like a crude or lowborn or unappealing method of travel, then you should take a good hard look at your prejudices.

“Well actually, I just bought a bookshop and—” “Yar, if only there was something,” said Edgar, and he was already on his way to the next town, shaking his head and looking at

In the future, I won't dwell on the various possibilities of what people thought at any given time, and thoughts shall simply be conveyed as if they were the absolute truth. To settle the argument between us now, let us simply agree that as Maribella stood there, wistfully watching the wagon of pigs roll away, she thought: I'll never look at a plate of ham the same way again.

She tried to stop a child running along pushing a hoop with a stick. “Excuse me,” she said. “Do you know where the Cozy Q—” “Tra la la!” sang the child unhelpfully. “I have a stick and hoop!” And then he ran away. “What a dreadful child,” said Maribella.

The astute readers will now realize we've come full circle in our introduction to Maribella's story. All other readers should flip back to the first line of this book, read it again, then come back here.

That's an important item that will have relevance later, so don't forget about it.

“Five more minutes,” said the goblin girl. “I beg your pardon?” “You're pardoned.” The goblin girl rolled over and began snoring.

“I beg your pardon?” “You're pardoned.” The goblin girl rolled over and began snoring.

If you just now imagined he was an overweight man, you would be wrong, because he was very skinny, and you should also once more take a good hard look at your prejudices.

The Captain huffed and strode over to the wall, where a painted poster had been nailed. It depicted a dead goblin (with little X's as eyes) with a sword plunged into its body. A big X had been crossed through the entire picture. Above the picture, it read: Do Your Part! Below the picture it read: Stop Killing Goblins! “I don't understand,” said Maribella. “Goblins are an endangered species,” said Captain Hargle. “You're not from around here, are you, Ms Waters?” “Oh, no, like I said, I'm from...away. I had no idea. They're truly an endangered species?” “Truly.”

“That's awful. They sound like terrible people. Where could I find them?”

“Of course I do,” said the boy. “But first, I've a joke!” “I didn't ask for one, but let's hear it.” “There was a man building a house with bricks below a high bridge. By the end, he had one brick left over. Have you any idea what he did with the last brick?” “I don't.” “He threw it straight up into the air. Tra la la!” And then the boy ran off with his hoop and stick, leaving Maribella standing there frowning at him. “That's not a joke!” she shouted and shook her fist. “Jokes have punchlines! There was no punchline there!” She angrily exhaled and turned back to the alleys. “My word, what an incredibly unhelpful and filthy child.”

“No problem, miss. Here you go.” He pointed to a big box with a sign over it that read: Complimentary Mysterious Cloaks “Oh. Well that's convenient,” said Maribella. “Here you are,” said the doorman, reaching in and pulling out one of the smaller cloaks. He helped wrap it around Maribella's shoulders and pinned the front. “Thank you,” said Maribella, and she started to walk into the common room. “Ah, not so fast,” said the doorman. “What is it now?” The doorman grabbed the hood of her cloak and flipped it up so it hid most of her face. “There we are,” he said with an approving smile. “Nice and mysterious. Off you go, now.”

“What is the woman-child looking at?” asked Asteria. “Excuse me?” said Maribella. “Are you referring to me?” “Who else would I be speaking to?” “I'm not a woman-child. I'm twenty-three years old, if you must know.” “All southern women are women-children. Small and breakable.” “Well that's rather rude.” “It is fact of life.”

“Book...shop?” “Yes?” “What is...book...shop?” “It's a shop where you buy books.” Asteria turned her head and looked down at Maribella. Maribella suddenly felt very small. “An entire building? That only sells books? Such a thing exists?” “Well of course it does.” Asteria looked back up to the Cozy Quill. “Falling stars, I've never heard of such a thing.”

“Is this leader?” asked Asteria. “That's the one,” said Maribella. “She tried to bite me.” “I was hungry,” said the goblin girl with a shrug. “I will now proceed to throw her,” said Asteria. “I have a name, you know,” said the goblin girl, surprising both women. “It's Gidget. Gidget the Goblin Girl.”

“Here you are.” Maribella handed the axe back, eager to be rid of it. “Well then, that's that. Money owed for a job well done. Here you are.” She handed over a few coins. “This is good. But what about my retainer?” “Your retainer?” “Yes. I will be needing salary now.” “I don't understand. Salary for what?” “For my continued service as bookshop guard. I can also lift heavy objects and reach high places. I am much useful, you will find.” “Oh, I believe there's been a mistake. I only needed you for the one job. We can go our separate ways now.” “A shop with that many books will need a guardian. A protector.”

“There are truly that many books?” “Truly. Have you read any yourself?” Asteria frowned. “Hmm. No.” “Why not? It's a lovely hobby to have in my opinion.” “I mean that I do not know how to read. Or at least, not very well. I am very slow at the reading, and the words all mash together.”

“Uh, here you go.” Maribella handed her the flint. Asteria looked at the wood and shook her head. “This is not the way to build fire. Have you never built fire before?” “Of course I have. We just...do it differently where I'm from.” “And where is that?” “From abroad, of course.”

And thanks to that, she had a barbarian sleeping just downstairs, and so she didn't feel frightened at all.

“Why aren't you with your tribe?” asked Maribella, and she tensed up as the words left her mouth, as if she hadn't been the one to ask them. “Hmm,” hummed Asteria. Time passed by. The fire crackled, the logs popped, and strong winds gusted outside, making the building creak. “I've never seen a Ha-Mazan warrior out of your lands before,” said Maribella. “This is true,” said Asteria. Her voice was soft and low, gentle in the quiet of night. “We do not leave our lands. Only an outcast would leave their tribe.” Maribella watched as Asteria gazed into the fire. “So, does that mean you're an outcast? I must admit, I'm not certain what would make someone an outcast where you're from.” Asteria hummed in response again. “It's just...” said Maribella, her voice falling even quieter, “...I would have thought that you would be with the rest of your people, invading the border of Fraey Tarta. Those are the rumors, that is. That you're invading.” “Yes...” said Asteria, and her stare looked as if it was miles and miles away. “The Queen has decided to invade.” “So I thought...well, I always thought that all Ha-Mazan people loved fighting, loved battle, and with the invasion, well...” “Some of us do, yes. Some of us grow things. Some of us build things. Some of us battle.” “Yes, of—” “My family line battles. My family line are the greatest of battlers.” Maribella went silent for a long while, and she couldn't pry her eyes from the giantess. “So...” she said. Finally, Asteria turned her hea...

Those readers who frighten easily may want to skip ahead a page or two, or at least read the next part while sitting close to someone else you can trust. In fact, I'll even make it easy for you. I'll put big, large, bold headers where the terrifying part begins and ends, that way if you don't want to be terrified then you know where to skip to. Beginning of Terrifying Section

“Beware...” “By all means,” said Maribella, “that sounds like wonderful advice. Into the rubbish you go.” She grabbed a book off the shelf and chunked it right into the cart Asteria had pushed in. She went for another book. “Wait—” came the mysterious voice from one book as she grabbed it and tossed it in the cart. None of the books whispered now, but spoke in loud and clear voices. “But we didn't mean—” said the next book. “Can't we talk about this f—” cried the next one. “Hey what's the big i—” shouted another. “Come along, Asteria,” said Maribella. “Toss them all into the rubbish. There we go, just like that. Don't open or read them. Right off the shelf and into the trash.”

“It's a cold Autumn this year,” she said. “Let's start a nice fire.” And so the two women placed a few books within a circle of sooty rocks and Asteria lit them. After stoking the flames a bit, they then began tossing in the cursed books, one right after the other. The books were still complaining just before being thrown into the flames, although their voices cut off once they hit the fire. “What's this now? What are you—gah!”

“I think we got off on the wrong—hurk!” “Don't be so hasty now, we can—wait, no!” “It has been an honor spending this time with you all,” said the last book, which took its burning with honor and dignity. Soon, the entire cart was empty, and the books were now a raging fire. End of Terrifying Section

“It's happening, Asteria,” said Maribella one day while looking over the small crowd in the shop. “The people finally know we're in business. It's actually going to work out.” Asteria didn't say anything, but she looked down at Maribella, and the smallest of smiles formed on her lips. For the first time in a long time, Maribella was happy, and there was nothing that would ruin that.

What sort of monster goes and does a thing like that? Who eats spinach voluntarily?

She entered the shop as if she owned the place, and sent the bell over the door clattering violently. Behind her was a massive, muscled man who had muscles growing over his muscles. He didn't look like the kind of fellow who solved math equations for a living. In fact, his clenched knuckles were gnarled with calluses as if he spent his free time punching rocks. He glanced about the place like a man searching for his runaway dog.

Lady Malicent stood straight and silent. She had a bosom that rose and fell like a poorly-planned revolution.

And so now, only at the end of this dreadful conversation, do you, dear reader, fully understand the extent of Lady Malicent's villainy. She was a landlord.

Maribella drank some hot tea and pulled her shawl tighter. “It's cold and windy out today,” she said. “Let's stay inside and read books.” “Hmm?” said Asteria. “I do not read. This has been well established.” “I know. Come along. I'll read them to you.” Minutes later the women were situated at the fire in the back of the main floor. Maribella pulled the chairs next to each other and motioned for Asteria to sit down. “Here's your tea and your blanket,” said Maribella. “I am not cold,” said Asteria. “And I do not want tea at this moment.” “If we're going to read then you'll need these items. Here, just sit there, just like that.” She placed the blanket over Asteria's lap. “And set this right here.” She placed the cup of steaming tea on the little table next to the giant barbarian.

“What do we do?” asked Maribella, pacing up and down the bookshop. “I still haven't heard back from the Baron. Today's the day.” “Hmm,” hummed Asteria. “I will fight hired goons to the death.” “That's very kind of you Asteria, but I'd rather you not go and die.” “I will take many of them with me.” “That's not persuading me.

“Where shall we place her?” asked Asteria as they closed the door behind them. “How will we get word out that we have little sleepy goblin here?” “We put her in the display window,” said Maribella, madly grabbing a table and tossing books off it. She dragged it to the empty display area in the front window. This space pressed outward toward the street a few feet, so that things of interest could be set there and passersby could look in at them. Gidget was going to be a permanent thing of interest.

Gidget slightly stirred in her display, as if just now becoming aware of what was happening. Maribella froze, unable to breathe as she watched the goblin. What if she despises everything about this situation? thought Maribella. What if she resents being a prop and gets angry and runs off? With heavy lids and lethargic body, Gidget uttered a single phrase: “I am your deity.”

Lady Malicent took a deep breath, and her bosom inflated like the housing prices she so wished to impose on Leafhaven. We have officially reached the point in the story where there will be no more bosom metaphors. Three maximum are all that's allowed. Many of you will be thankful and let out sighs of relief. Some of you may be saddened. Such is life.

“You're not to lay a finger on it, or god help you. If one plank or board is torn from its side, we'll know it was you, Lady Malicent!” “Yeah, Lady Malicent!” “I love that little goblin!” “That little goblin is my hero!” “Go on and get going, Lady Malicent!” “Yeah, get going! Nobody wants you here!”

Duckover. “Duckover?” asked Asteria, scrunching up her brows. “Yes, Duckover,” said Maribella, preparing her lantern on the front desk of the shop. “You don't celebrate Duckover in the Ha-Mazan Tribes?” “We do no such thing. We eat ducks. We do not celebrate them.”

“Has it worked?” she asked him. “Do you now have girlfriend?” Dave looked around as well. “I don't think so.” Maribella couldn't help but wince. “I'm...not sure it works quite like that. The ducks aren't magic.” “Oh,” said Asteria, looking back up. “But they're a symbol of hope. And that's the important thing to get out of this.”

There exists a myth that involves a Heavenly Llama who is said to drink water from the ocean and urinate rain. Thankfully this myth is completely untrue.

“I see. So this is how it happens.” Maribella looked up at Asteria. “Come again?” “The resupply of books. A wondrous thing, and it is done via llama.” “Well, sometimes it's done via llama.”

“Well I get around a lot, see. There's this town several towns over, where these two women recently started up a business selling coffee. It's apparently a huge success, and everyone is raving about it. I forget the name of it. Myths and Mugs? Champions and Cappuccinos?”

“So do not be sad this face leaves, be thankful you were here to see it.”

“Asteria,” she said. “Yes,” said Asteria, nose against a window, watching the water fall on the town. “A while back, you called me Bell.” Rain filled the silence between them. “I did,” said Asteria finally. “My name is Maribella, though. Why call me Bell?” “Bell is part of Maribella, yes? Such is the way names can be made, from another name.” “Well, yes, that can happen, sure. People have nicknames, and well, pet names and the like. Nobody else has ever called me Bell, though.”

Slowly and silently, Maribella sat on the ottoman next to Asteria. Neither woman said anything, but only sat and listened to the rain falling steadily all around them.

We have officially come to the halfway point of our story, and so it's time for an interlude. How are you enjoying the story so far? I hope you're not too sad from that last chapter. It was a bleak one, I know.

“Pumpkin is greatest of all vegetable,” she said solemnly. “They're actually a fruit,” said Maribella. “Pumpkin is greatest of all fruit.”

Asteria looked up into the rainy night sky. “Falling stars,” she said in awe. “A god of pumpkins...we are pumpkin-blessed, Bell.” “Oh, I'm not so sure about that,” said Maribella. “More like pumpkin-haunted. And now, well, I'm a bit spooked. Would you mind, if it wasn't too much trouble, making your pallet on my bedroom floor tonight? Just in case of another Pumpkin Spirit visit or the like?” Asteria nodded her head with determined seriousness. “I will do this thing. I will protect you.”

“It's too cold and rainy outside. Let's stay inside and read some books.”

“And that's the best way to enjoy a book. When you're cozy. Does that make sense?”

“Ah. That's what we call a typo.” “A typo?” “Yes. Short for a typographical error. A typo is when the author of a story makes a mistake and accidentally misspells a word or uses the wrong word instead of the right one.” “I see. I have found a typo.” “Yes, you did.” “So the author was a poor author?” “Well, no. If you enjoyed the story, they were a good author.” “But they made a mistake.”