The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power

by Katherine Morgan Schafler

The collision of trauma and unmanaged perfectionism results in what Horney called “the supremacy of the mind.”[14] Integration (i.e., real healing) is not seen as an option. As Horney describes, “No longer mind and feelings but mind versus feeling, mind versus body, mind versus self . . . His brain then is the only part of him that feels alive.”

Perfectionists intellectually understand that they cannot change the past, but that doesn’t stop them from trying to change the fact that the past had an impact on them. To accept the latter is to encounter too great a sense of losing control, of defeat, of failure.

The “logical” solution becomes to split the experience between the event and the degree to which the event impacted you. You accept the event and reject the impact. You say some version of “Yes, that happened but I’m fine.” The splitting is a math of sorts, a long division for trauma. Power lies in accepting that while you can’t control what...

perfectionism develops more easily in families with extremely critical parents and that an authoritarian parenting style may lead children to adopt a perfectionist orientation during the course of their lives. However, it is still not clear whether parenting styles are directly linked to the development of adaptive or maladaptive perfectionism facets. . . . Although progress has been made regarding the empirical support for the role of parents in the development of adolescents and children’s adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism, research is still relatively scarce and inconclusive.”[15]

When we don’t understand something, we lean towards either fear or curiosity; most people lean towards fear.

James Baldwin’s words are once again apt: “Children have never been good at listening to their elders, but they never fail to imitate them.”

Similarly, if you grow up in an environment of abuse, neglect, or conditional love, it’s nearly impossible to relate to the idea that someone could love you no matter what you do or fail to do in this life. When someone who is loved conditionally is told, “I love you,” what they hear is, “I love you for now, so don’t mess up.” Conditional love isn’t love, it’s a contract. We all know contracts include fine print and that contracts can be voided.

maladaptive perfectionism all echo the same sentiment: when basic needs for love and belonging go unmet in a child, all the energy that would normally go into building a healthy sense of autonomy (exploring self-interests and building healthy relationships with others) gets redirected into trying to belong and earn love.[17] This appeal for connection can take the form of trying to be superficially perfect: I’m doing everything perfectly, so will you love me now?

Perfectionism as a response to abuse and neglect is not only about wanting to be l...

When that primal attachment isn’t secure, being anything less than whatever their perfect version of you is can feel imminently dangerous. Walking-into-traffic dangerous.

“Look for the kids who are behaving perfectly; those are the ones who are terrified.”

Internalizing someone else’s perfect version of you doesn’t always look like getting good grades or appearing perfect; it can include being the child who is silent and unseen, the one who has no needs, the one who provides steady distraction through jokes or troublemaking. Children who don’t feel loved will do anything to earn that love. You need a distraction? I’ll become a project. You need to not be sad? I’ll be happy enough for the whole family. You need me to be less of a burden? I won’t even make a sound when I chew.

Everything a child who does not feel loved does is done to answer this question: Am I worth loving yet? The child asks some version of that question indefinitely, but not forever. When the answer to the question continues to be perceived as “No,” the message is internalized: Oh, I’m not like other people who get to be happy and loved. I’m not worthy of love, safety, or goodness. An invisible switch is flipped. In the child’s unconscious mind, freedom to be who they are is no longer an option. It’s too unsafe and too destabilizing. With freedom off the table, two choices remain. The first choice is performance. They choose to play the part of someone who is worthy and hope to G...

Connection is the source of all growth and healing. Connection is a need. In the absence of healthy connections, we become dysfunctional.

Feeling better wasn’t what decreased Simone’s suicidal ideation. What decreased it was understanding that should her intense state of pain return, she was not helpless against it.

It wasn’t the chia seeds themselves that made the difference for Simone, it was the identity entrance they offered her. She began to see herself in new ways, as someone who could make healthier choices, as someone who could experience life in a different way.

conceptualization of socially prescribed perfectionism (SPP) is one such treasure. SPP explores how your perception of the norms and expectations around you impact your mental health.

External pressures to be perfect seem to be more problematic in relation to suicidality perhaps because of the roles of humiliation and shame.

Also of note is the emphasis on perceived external pressure by the perfectionist. As a boss, parent, partner, leader, or coach, you may not at all feel that you’re pressuring the people around you to be perfect. You may in fact be shocked to learn that anyone in your orbit feels such an immense amount of pressure from you. Your flexibility, openness, acceptance of mistakes (encouragement of mistakes?), and unconditional positive regard for the people in your world are points worth clarifying out loud and often.

dichotomous thinking is dangerous, because the speed and false logic behind an otherwise mild experience of displeasure can so easily spiral into existential turmoil over the entire point of your literal life.

Left unchecked, dichotomous thinking consumes the psyche like water being absorbed from the corner of a paper towel. You did it perfectly or you should be ashamed of yourself; you’re super productive or you’re a bumbling slob; everyone loves you or you’re a burden to the world; you’re number one or you completely wasted your time.

Dr. Anika Warren, “You have to learn how to live in the gray.”

If you are the source of your own punishment (through critical self-talk, for example),

then you learn to avoid yourself by numbing out. Numbing out looks like overeating, overspending, overworking, getting caught up in drama, substance misuse, mindlessly watching TV or scrolling social media, and so forth.

punishment is about trying to control someone through pain. Discipline is about trying to teach someone to empower themselves through structure.

In this retributive rather than restorative culture where punishment is the first line of defense, it makes sense that you’ve internalized punishment as your first line of defense against the qualities you don’t like seeing in yourself. What does not make sense is for you to continue using punishment as an agent for positive change.

Self-sabotaging the good in your life.

Restricting yourself from an entire dimension of your life until you’re able to perform in a certain way.

Denying yourself the space and time to experience simple pleasures.

Giving yourself access to pleasure, but then lacerating yourself for it the entire time.

Occasionally, we’re stuck because we’re genuinely confused about what’s happening and what to do about it, but that kind of confusion is rare. Nine times out of ten, we know exactly what to do to improve our lives, and yet we struggle to do it. The reason we’re struggling is that we’re engaged in a cycle of self-punishment.

The broaden-and-build theory asserts that if you can get yourself into a positive headspace, your “thought-action repertoire” broadens. When you’re in a positive state, your thoughts about the possible actions you can take expand; you realize you can do a lot of different things, and you make choices that promote future positive states.

For example, if you feel happy, you’re more likely to plan, say, a Sunday morning hike with friends next week. Because you enjoyed the hike, you’re more likely to go home and enjoy your evening.

Energized by your good mood, you decide to cook while l...

solutions-oriented perspective because you’re not weighed down with negativity. Because work isn’t overwhelming you, you’re able to have a good time where you would otherwise be forcing yourself to push through.

“Positive emotions promote discovery of novel and creative actions, ideas and social bonds, which in turn build that individual’s personal resources; ranging from physical and intellectual resources, to social and psychological resources. Importantly, these resources function as reserves that can be drawn on later to improve the odds of successful coping and survival.”[9]

Contrast moments when you’re in a positive emotional state with those when you’re in a negative emotional state, which narrows your thought-action repertoire. When your thought-action repertoire is narrowed, it’s harder to see around the problem.

self-compassion’s positive association with a greater sense of self-worth, increased personal initiative,[10] increased resilience to stress, more realistic self-appraisals of strengths and weaknesses, lower levels of depression and anxiety, reduced rates of burnout, increased motivation to make amends for past mistakes, and the list goes on.[11] Self-compassion broadens your thought-action repertoire; punishment narrows it.

WE MAKE OUR WORTH DEPENDENT ON OUR PERFORMANCE

those four months instantly became meaningless the second she made one mistake.

perfectionists in an adaptive space base their self-worth on existence, whereas perfectionists in a maladaptive space base their self-worth on performance.

Another way to say that you’re worthy is that you believe you deserve something positive. Another way to say that you’re unworthy is that you believe you don’t deserve something positive.

What’s the difference between self-esteem and self-worth, or accountability and punishment, or compassion and pity, or dignity and respect? What’s a boundary? What’s one healthy way to respond to guilt? We don’t naturally know the answers to those questions any more than we naturally know the difference between an obtuse and an acute angle.

The most jaw-to-the-floor shocking thing we come to discover is that feeling our feelings (otherwise known as emotional regulation) is something we actually have to learn how to do.

As an emotional-regulation strategy, self-compassion is king. Unfortunately,

there’s nothing optional about it. You can’t heal or grow without self-compassion. In the absence of self-compassion, the best you can hope for is stagnation. Some of us think of self-compassion as an indulgence—emotionally petting ourselves while we avoid personal accountability. We don’t realize that self-compassion is what ushers us into personal accountability.

It sounds simple to point out, but you can’t take personal accountability if you don’t know what doing that looks like. We don’t know how to take personal accountability, but we feel bad and want to do something. Enter the cultural and thereby individual default: self-punishment.

pain is not a requisite for accountability. You do not need to be a suffering and miserable person to be someone who can be trusted to do the right thing in the first place and to course correct when mistakes are recognized. In fact, being punitive with yourself only makes it harder for you to take accountability.

take personal accountability during a misstep, you need to be able to acknowledge that while you made a mistake (or several mistakes), you’re still a capable, strong, and good person who has the power to learn, grow, and thrive.

I promise you this: we are all in enough pain already. We don’t need to invent more pain for ourselves through self-punishment. It’s