Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder

by Gabor Maté MD

Shame becomes excessive if the parent’s signaling of disapproval is overly strong, or if the parent does not move to reestablish warm emotional contact with the child immediately—what Gershen Kaufman calls “restoring the interpersonal bridge.” Chronic stress experienced by the parent has the effect of breaking that bridge. The small child does not have a large store of insight for interpreting the parent’s moods and facial expressions: they either invite contact or forbid it. When the parent is distracted or withdrawn, the older infant or toddler experiences shame. Shame postures are observed in infants in response to nothing more than the parent breaking eye contact. The demeanor of the infants of depressed mothers is one of inactivity and the averted gaze. Past the toddler phase, there will be many times the child’s behavior may trigger an angry response from the parent, the ADD child more than the average. Some parents are able to express anger without making the child feel cut off emotionally. They convey disapproval without rejection. Other parents, especially those with self-regulation problems of their own, may react with open or choked rage, punishing coldness or dejected withdrawal that signals defeat and disappointment. These were the anger responses my children experienced from me. Each time this happens, shame is evoked in the child, especially as the parent usually believes—and makes the child believe—that whatever his (the parent’s) reaction is, the child is ...