The Matchmaker

by Catherine Walsh

But this? This right here? This is my snapping point. You do not mess with a girl’s sleep cycle.

REAL

“What did you say you wanted to discuss?” he asks eventually, and I try to remember the whole point of this. “The noise levels.” He gives me a look. “The noise levels.” “Yes.” “Of a construction site.”

LOLLLL

“This. This is who I am now. And I’m not usually like this. I am usually normal. Like, to an embarrassing extent normal. But right now, I can’t be. Instead, I have become the ranting woman in her pajamas who forgets to remove her eye masks.” “Thought you said you meant to—” “I lied. You’ve also made me a liar. Happy?”

AHAHAHA

“You know, the community here is one of the primary reasons we chose this area,” he continues, his voice rising as the cameraman angles the shot slightly, taking him in. “As well as the wealth of natural beauty, it’s really the people that make it so—” “Are you high?”

DANG

“She wants to talk to someone about the noise levels,” Callum explains. “Something about her bones.”

LOLLL

“He’s not going to get back to me,” I say, as we reach the gate. “Is he?” “No,” Callum says. “Because I’m in my pajamas?” “I think it was the leaflet guy comment. He’s very proud of those.”

LOLOOLOLOLOLLLL

“I’m not usually like this,” I say again, and he nods. “I hope you get some sleep.” “And I hope your boss falls into a very big hole.” “He’ll have to crawl out of his own one first.” My eyes go wide at the joke, but Callum’s back to being serious, and he does it so well that I’m almost certain I misheard him. Almost.

I already love this book

Nush doesn’t like the hotel any more than I do. She moved here a few years ago because she wanted to find some peace and quiet, and so she could, and I quote, “Not have to smile so much.” The development is a nightmare in her eyes, and she’s still convinced we can stop it, even if she has to resort to increasingly illegal measures to do it. Last week she asked me how I felt about arson. I’m still not sure if she was joking or not.

LOLLLL

read on the internet that if I keep going like this my collagen will start to break down.” “You don’t even know what collagen is.” “I know I want it not to break down.”

I switch on the torch, shining it right at him. “Jesus,” he mutters, shielding himself from the light. “Are those things supposed to be that bright?” “What are you doing here?” “Losing my vision, apparently. Do you mind?”

Hehe i love this book

“I thought country people were supposed to be friendly.” “Not in the middle of the night to men they don’t know.” “We met this morning,” he says. “And I just saved you from falling down a well.” “I wouldn’t have fallen down the well.” “That’s sure what it looked like.”

“I hit your nose.” “You broke my nose.” “Really?” “No.”

HAHAHAH

“Why isn’t the shed locked?” “Because I’m in charge of locking it and I know I definitely forgot to do it last night.”

HAHAHA

“You don’t need to come too.”

Then how are u supposed to get back over..?

“Then how will you get back?” he says, and I take his point as he climbs the fence easily, his movements suspiciously nimble.

MUAHAHA I KNEW IT

“Speaking of which, who’s looking after it?” “Gemma,” Adam says. “Who I don’t trust, so we better get back.”

LOLLL

He glances around the garden. “You could hide a family of five out there and you’d never know it.” “That’s a very specific number. Are you trying to tell me something?”

LOLLL

“Your friend Nancy sent you a postcard,” I add, handing her the letter from the hall. “Nancy died three years ago.” “No, Mary died three years ago. Nancy lives in Vancouver. And she sent you a postcard. You should stay in touch with your friends.” “Why?” She gives it a cursory glance before putting it on the table beside her. “It’s not like they’ll be alive for much longer.

DANG

“Is this you?” I ask, holding up a black and white picture of a grinning young woman. “Should be,” Granny says, peering at it. “Ugly little thing, wasn’t I?” “Would you stop!” I laugh. “You’re beautiful.” “And you’re a liar. But that’s alright. It didn’t stop your grandfather from falling in love with me.

“You can’t cut down the hawthorn tree. It’s a fairy tree.”

<3

I raised you better than that.” “You also raised me to believe that the pylon down the road was the Eiffel Tower.” “Hah.” Granny smiles, looking pleased with herself. “I did, yes.” “We’re cutting down the tree,” I say. “But luckily for you and your fairy friends—” “Not friends. Respected beings.”

“But you’re in charge of getting someone to clear the garden, okay?” “So we can destroy more of their habitat?” “Granny—” “Just don’t come crying to me if they steal you from your bed in the middle of the night.”

“People can get used to anything,” she says, growing solemn as Plankton comes in to curl up at her feet. “That’s what people like them rely on.”

He’s the spitting image of Gemma, with the same blonde curls and hazel eyes. Right down to the smattering of freckles over his nose.

Oooo

“They didn’t have any change from a five-euro note for one loaf of bread?” Noah shakes his head, his face solemn. “Because of the economy.”

There was a time when my looking after Noah caused great excitement in this house. When we’d get into our pajamas and eat pizza and play board games no matter the time of day. Now he just looks like he’s being punished.

“Do you want to play Fortnite?” he asks, after a good thirty seconds of him probably thinking of ways to get rid of me. “Do you want to play The Sims?” I counter, and he rolls his eyes before disappearing into the living room. “Is that a no?” I call after him. “You can just watch me play,” he yells back, which is probably the best I’m going to get, so I do as he says, curling up on the couch next to him as he destroys some bad guys.

AHAHAHAHAHA

Jack Doyle enters the pub, and if Callum’s attention was on me, Jack’s goes solely to Adam, who he smiles wildly at as he strides inside like his face isn’t plastered to two dartboards by the fireplace.

HAHAHAA

“That well has been there since before this village was even founded,” I continue. “It’s a historic structure. A famed structure. My parents met at that well.” “How nice for them.” “They’re dead now.”

AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHHAHHAAHAHAH

Noah appears in the kitchen doorway, cutting him off from whatever rant he was about to go on. “You’re being too loud. I can’t do my homework.” He looks to his mother. “Can I watch TV until they go?” “Nice try,” Gemma says. “And no.” “But I can’t concentrate.” “Then go with Adam and do your work at Kelly’s.”

LOLLL

I smile. “Your doubt just makes me stronger. It feeds me.” “Katie—” “Like a flame.”

WHY DOES SHE SOUND LIK A PSYCHOPATH

“I can do it without you,” I say. “But I don’t want to.”

AHHAAHHAHAA THIS IS SO REAL

“You need plans,” he says. “You need financial forecasts. You need mini essays about the good of the community and cost analysis.” “You need to tell the truth in your television adverts.”

But I’m not here to argue with you.” “Why are you here at all? Don’t say kismet.”

I hate Glenmill and I hate people like you.” Callum stiffens at the last bit, and I slam my mouth shut, surprised at myself. “I didn’t mean that,” I say, as all my resentment rushes out of me. He shrugs, his expression carefully blank. “Yeah, you did.” “I didn’t. I’m just angry. I say things I don’t mean when I’m angry. It’s why I don’t like arguing.” “Well, you’re pretty good at it,”

She says there’s no point in her getting annoyed about things changing because she won’t be around long enough to see it.” “That’s dark.”

I asked her last year what kind of funeral she wanted, and she said, ‘What do I care? I’ll be dead.’ Then the next day, she said she wanted to be pushed out to sea on a flaming boat.”

I force myself to concentrate on the book. “You know you’ve only made it worse for yourself,” he says, just as I start to get into it. Some guy called Victor is having a nightmare and it all seems very intense.

“He’s like a brother to me. And sometimes an uncle. And my swim coach. He also helped me with algebra growing up.” “A real saint.”

“I’m not great in cars,” I admit finally, and he nods. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” “I didn’t tell you.”

“A child could do it. It’s not hard.” “It looks hard to me.” “Because you’re old.” “Of course, sorry.”

“Swearing is a conservative social construct. Curse words can’t hurt you and only boring people are offended by them.”

“I said I was going to give this everything I’ve got.” “You also said you were going to learn to make lasagna from scratch,” she calls. “But I’m yet to reap the benefits.”

I’m going to kill Granny. I am going to double-check her will and then I am going to kill her.

AHAHA

“Oh.” He sounds more surprised than annoyed. “They take you or something, don’t they? If you step in it?” “And force you to dance until you perish from exhaustion.” “Well, joke’s on them; I’m a terrible dancer.”

“Why don’t you ask Maeve to matchmake?” he asks me. “Didn’t she meet your grandad at the festival?” “No,” I say, still brushing the dirt from my clothes. “She met Grandad when he was cleaning the windows of her house and she opened the curtains naked, and he fell off the ladder.”

…

“Just take a walk or something. Five minutes. I promise we won’t burn the place down in your absence.” “Why would you even joke about—” “Goodbye.”

“Crime and Punishment,” he says, only to laugh at my unimpressed look. “It’s a thriller. The murdery kind.” “Wow. What a great choice to listen to while walking alone through the woods,” I say dryly,

“Where do you even live?” I’d assumed he was in the city like the rest of the workers, but he just nods back to the village. “In that farmhouse near the lavender fields.” “Mr. Rankin’s old place?” I frown. “No one’s lived there for years.” “Is this where you tell me it’s haunted?” “It’s where I tell you I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Okay,” he says, holding up his hands. “I won’t snoop. But it sounds like you’re building a rollercoaster.”

LOLLLL