Zoey Is Too Drunk for This Dystopia (Zoey Ashe #3)

by Jason Pargin

an innovator responsible for numerous breakthroughs in the field of committing crimes in ways that cannot easily be prosecuted.

“And you think they’re all being abducted by these religious types? And what? Killed? Held prisoner somewhere? That doesn’t sound like the Christian thing to do.” Axol stared at Zoey. “Bitch, have you ever opened a history book?”

“If what you’re trying to say,” said Andre, “is that the poor people here are being forced to pick their poison, either live terrified of a creep crawling through their window or be terrified of a jackboot knocking their teeth out for no reason, well, that’s the same choice the people at the bottom have been stuck with for several thousand years.” “I feel like every discussion I have about this just goes in circles.” “And now you know why the very first human cities all had a common ingredient that made them work. We wouldn’t have a civilization without it.” “The law?” “Alcohol.”

“The song,” said Zoey, “is ‘I Farted My Panties Across the Room Again.’”

“And what is that place, again?” asked Zoey. “The Safari something?” “The Action Safari French Bistro,” said Andre. “Up north, around where they’ve put in all of the new hotels and the family-friendly stuff? It closed down before your time but it was cool when it was open. It had robotic wild animals that stalked around the restaurant using AI that was just randomized enough to make their movements look kind of natural. I ate there once, they had a black panther prowling around our table while we ate. The thing looked like it had actual sharp teeth and every once in a while, it would growl and lunge at a diner, its mechanical jaws snapping at us, programmed to always stop just inches away. Everybody in the place would scream and get a good laugh from it. Especially when it jumped at a kid, they always reacted the best. A portion of every dollar spent went to wildlife preservation or something like that. It closed in the wake of several lawsuits, the aftermath of a pretty gruesome incident.” “Oh, god. Do I even have to ask what the incident was?” Andre shook his head and took on a grave tone. “There was a big group of customers, a children’s birthday party, in the leopard enclosure. It was a long table, with two of the leopards prowling around behind the kids. Six children, between the ages of seven and nine, all wound up in the hospital, some in critical condition. And yeah, it’s exactly what you’re probably thinking: they all got sick after a cook got drunk and took a shi...

“Burn them,” said Rose, gesturing toward a row of red gas cans over by the wall. Echo had pointed out during filming that there would have been no reason for the Sex Butcher to have a bunch of containers of accelerant just sitting around but Clarence had, again, said it wouldn’t matter. If you try to make a video for the nitpickers, the effort will be missed by the average viewer and the nitpickers still won’t be happy because they’re incapable of happiness in general.

“What, were you guys watching it in the car on the way over?” “I had intended to watch it once, just to understand what, exactly, had occurred. But it bothered Will so much that I wound up replaying it a few dozen times.”

As Malort backed up, he leaned out his window and said, “Never challenge a man in a Buick. He’s got nothin’ to lose.”