Trust: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken

by Henry Cloud

We are designed to ask one crucial question before any other: Is it safe? When someone invites us to trust, we want to know before anything else if we will get hurt. And we’ll work hard to avoid pain.

While trust often begins with a feeling, it can’t only be based on a feeling, an emotion, or some kind of sense. It has to be rooted in more solid, observable, essential qualities.

Truly, the human infant is wired to trust. Trusting is the most natural and instinctual thing infants do. They trust first for food and then for holding and comfort.

Trust followed by satisfaction builds more trust.

Stated more simply, “oxytocin directs the infant to trust the mom, and vice versa.” Think about this: As human beings, our natural chemical makeup is designed to trust and to bond.

Trust begets more trust.

As I continued to listen,

How much do you feel Rick truly, deeply understands what you need and want in the business and how you feel about those things? How well is he able to communicate that to you? 2. How much do you feel his motive—his ongoing intent—is to do what you desire for the business and with the business versus what he might want and desire for the company or even for himself? 3. How capable do you feel he is of delivering what you want him to deliver and build? 4. How much do you feel he exhibits the personal and interpersonal traits you need him to show toward you and with his team? How much is his “makeup” what you need for what you want? 5. How is he building a track record that causes you to expect good things will happen tomorrow and in the future?

about trust. I mean, I don’t think he would ever lie or cheat or steal or anything like that. He is very moral, very ethical. It doesn’t seem like a matter of trust, but for some reason, you’re right. I just don’t trust him.”

How can someone have good character, but you still don’t feel like you trust him?”

Trust is the confidence that someone will guard what is important to you, what you need, possess, or desire. Whatever your interests are, someone you trust will safeguard the interests you entrust to them.

you need more than ethics from someone you trust.

You need to feel that they know what it feels like to be you in whatever you are doing.

“He works so hard, and is so good at what he does. It was just so confusing. He is so competent—and even charming. Now, the issue is so clear. It’s trust.

1. You can trust someone when you feel your needs are understood, felt, and cared about.

2. You can trust someone when you feel their motive is for you, not just for themselves.

3. You can trust someone when you feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you have entrusted to them.

4. You can trust someone who has the character or personal makeup needed for what you entrust them with.

5. You can trust someone who has a track record of performing in the ways you need them to perform.

five essentials of trust: understanding, motive, ability, character, and track record.

Leading someone to trust you does not begin with convincing them that you are right.

Trust doesn’t start with convincing someone that you are right, or smart, or even trustworthy. It begins with helping someone to know that you understand them.

The process of trust begins by listening and by understanding other people—what they want and what they’re feeling—in short, knowing what matters to them. The task is to know them instead of to persuade them. People must feel known in order to trust.

The mindset to which Voss refers is one of deep empathy—listening to understand the other person and having that person understand that you understand.

“I see you. I hear you. I know who you are.” This opens their heart to feeling safe.

When we feel understood, that understanding calms down fear and resistance and we open up. We can actually listen better ourselves, think better, reason better, use better judgment, and have a conversation that can go somewhere productive. And it all begins by being understood.

And people begin to listen after feeling like they have been listened to. From big time corporate leaders to hostage takers to five-year-olds, we all want to be known and understood before we take input.

Trust built through someone feeling understood. Trust that allows us to know that “this person knows me. This person knows what I am feeling, what I want, what matters to me,” and more.

Feeling understood goes way past just listening. Listening is only the beginning, an interpersonal

We can never act in ways that cause someone to trust us if we do not understand what they feel, think, need, desire, and fear.

When we fail to understand someone at a deep level, we unknowingly communicate that we are only interested in ourselves.

A boss who says, “I understand that what I gave you to do isn’t working. That’s got to be frustrating. Help me understand where the obstacle is. Tell me how what I thought isn’t the right fit so I can understand and help you find the right one.”