The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate

by Harriet Lerner

HORSEMAN 1: CRITICISM A “criticism” is a personal attack that includes some negative words about your mate’s character or personality. For example, “Why do you keep putting your friends ahead of me? I always come last on your list. We were supposed to have dinner tonight.” This sort of criticism differs from a constructive complaint that addresses a specific action or behavior at which a spouse has failed. (“You were supposed to check with me before inviting anyone to dinner. I wanted to spend time alone with you tonight.”) To turn a constructive complaint into a corrosive criticism, Gottman suggests adding the gibe: “What’s wrong with you?”