The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate

by Harriet Lerner

Ten Do’s and Don’ts A woman’s magazine recently interviewed me on the subject of coping with criticism. I offered the following tips to remember when you’re on the receiving end: Listen attentively to the person who is criticizing you without planning your reply. Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand. Avoid getting defensive. Don’t listen in order to argue or refute. Instead, listen for the piece of criticism you can agree with, even if it’s embedded in exaggerations and inaccuracies. Apologize for that piece first. Never criticize a person who is criticizing you. There may be a time to bring up your own grievances, but that time is not when the other person has take the initiative to voice her own complaints. Stay calm. Underreact and take a low-key approach when dealing with the other person. Anxiety and intensity are the driving forces behind dysfunctional patterns. State your differences (“Here’s the piece I don’t agree with…”) only after you can do so without criticizing, blaming, or putting down the criticizer. Stop a nonproductive conversation that is occurring at your own expense. It’s fine to say, “I need a little time to think about what you’re saying. Let’s set up another time to discuss it.” Or, “I feel diminished when you talk to me this way. It hurts my feelings.” Or, “I need you to bring up just one criticism at a time. When you start bringing up the past or list one thing after another, I shut down and can’t listen.” Speak to the really importan...