The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate

by Harriet Lerner

But despite decades of assertiveness training and lots of good advice about communicating with clarity, timing, and tact, we may do our best to speak but still feel unheard.

The challenge in conversation is not just to be our self but to choose the self we want to be. What we call “the self” is never static, but instead is a work in progress.

As bell hooks notes, we may feel shame especially about grief that lingers: “Like a stain on our clothes, it marks us as flawed, imperfect. To cling to grief, to desire its expression, is to be out of sync with modern life, where the hip do not get bogged down in mourning.”

There is always room to negotiate in a relationship—and if there isn’t, we need to reconsider the relationship.

The clarity of our voice rests on the clarity of our self-awareness regarding what we want and feel entitled to, and what we are willing to settle for. It can take time, patience, conversation, and silent meditation or reflection to sort this out.