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January 5, 2020
Indeed, in many situations wisdom lies in being strategic rather than spontaneous.
In sum, how we use our voice is at the heart of who we are in the world and the foundation of both intimacy and self-regard.
The notion that “men are from Mars”—the opposite rather than the neighboring sex—can lead a woman to lose her voice, make excuses for her partner, and tolerate behavior that is too costly to her own self.
It also encourages the man to avoid the challenge of finding his own authentic voice and taking full responsibility for his choices.
“What’s wrong with me?” (rather than “What’s wrong with this relationship?”).
In many circumstances, the most helpful step we can take is to not be helpful.
by being emotionally present without pulling back from their pain and without trying to take it away.
Dependency and suffering are essential components of the human condition.
Pamela and Sam were seen as “always reliable” and “always having it together,” and they were both invested in maintaining this image without being aware of the cost.
An old Spanish proverb reminds us, “Habits at first are silken threads, then they become cables.” If you’re an overfunctioner, you may not really believe that others have very much of value to offer you. You may need to practice sharing the more tender, vulnerable parts of yourself, and to stop having the answers for anyone else. If you’re an underfunctioner, you may need to do just the opposite; that is, to tone down your expressions of vulnerability and to amplify your strength and competence, even when you don’t think it’s there.
When we feel acutely vulnerable, we need to do whatever it takes to calm our emotions.
So we may pretend—even to ourselves—because we don’t want to introduce greater clarity into our relationship, and we’re scared to use our voice to bring our knowledge of ourselves and our partner into sharper focus.
We can’t always see what’s true or possible in a relationship or in ourselves until after we change our behavior.
She achieved this by broadening the conversation about herself, by being real instead of ideal.
At the same time, I was focused on what I wanted to say for myself, not on getting a particular response.
When someone hurts our feelings or behaves badly, we typically respond with anger or silence. It’s normal to react this way, but when we do, we may be letting the other person off the hook.
Strengthening our voice with key family members will affect every relationship we’re in because other relationships get overloaded when we can’t talk to family members about what matters.
If you increase your level of functioning in one key family relationship, every other relationship will change. The degree to which you can be clear with your first family about who you are, what you believe, and where you stand on important issues will strongly influence the quality of “voice” that you bring to other relationships.
When we criticize people or lecture them, we actually invite them not to pay attention to what we are saying.
Sometimes we can wing it, but when the stakes are high, we need to be thoughtful and well prepared.
Joyce felt she had stood up to her mother by responding to her snippiness with sarcasm. Actually, she protected her mother by responding in kind and by not taking the conversation a step further.
Joyce did not need to take the conversation further at that moment. If we don’t feel emotionally ready or prepared, we can return to a subject or conversation later.
This is not to criticize Joyce, who was simply responding as we all do when we feel anxious and wronged—resorting to what’s automatic or familiar, and not taking the risk of moving the conversation to a deeper and more authentic level.
nonreactive, engaged conversation is far more likely to get at the root of hurt feelings and change them.
When a particular topic (or person) is especially difficult, remember the “two-step.” Try to think in terms of having at least two conversations, or a series of conversations that fall into two categories.
It’s an act of maturity to not take things personally and to understand that the other person’s response may have more to do with them than with us.
Speaking to the differences is not the same as trying to convince or change the other person.
we should stay focused on what we want to say about ourselves, rather than on eliciting a particular response from the other person.
If we’re needing (as opposed to hoping for) a particular response from the other person, that’s a good indication we’re not yet ready to broach a difficult conversation.
We may also be better off without him if he doesn’t especially like hearing our exuberance, expansiveness, and ambitions, or if she shuts down when we voice our insecurities, fears, or a painful story from the past. Likewise, the other person has a right to know us accurately, to consider the relationship and make plans for the future based on facts, not fantasies or projections.
Intimacy—and our judgment about the relationship—suffers in the shadow of silence and pretending, which does not allow us to know the other person or to be fully known.
The most important question is not the intensity of the love we feel, but whether the relationship is good for us and whether we are navigating our part of it in a solid way. Time and conversation help to size this up. Is there a sense of safety, ease, and comfort in the relationship that makes authenticity and self-disclosure possible? Does the person we love enlarge (rather than diminish) our sense of our self and our capacity to speak our own truths? Is the connection based on mutuality, including mutual respect, mutual empathy, mutual nurturance and caretaking? Are we able to voice our
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In the history of nations, families, or couples, folks find it hard to discuss their differences in a mature and thoughtful way.
