The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate

by Harriet Lerner

If a person’s words tell me one thing (“I’m feeling close to you”) but my automatic knowing intuits something different (I sense distance, disconnection, a “not-thereness”), I put more trust in what I feel than in the words I hear.

Long-term relationships suffer when we don’t face differences with tolerance, humor, and respect.

They also suffer if we become so tolerant of differences that we expect too little from the other person, or settle for unfair and compromising arrangements that erode our sense of self.

If we have no bottom line in a relationship, then that relationship is bound to become increasingly impaired.

And if it’s hard to say, “This is what I need to do for myself,” it’s all the more difficult to say, “This is what I expect from you,” and then, if we’re ignored, to decide what to say next and how to say it.

Moving forward in a couple relationship requires one thing above all else. We need to stop focusing on how impossible our partner is, and instead focus relentlessly on the clarity of our own voice—the conversations we have or avoid, the positions we take or fail to take, the places where we stand firm or cave in.

Intimacy and honor are sacrificed in a close relationship when we withhold our genuine response.

Grounding activities—yoga, dancing, walking, attending cultural events—were an essential part of her survival plan. In addition to it being a generally good idea to live healthfully, these activities help lower anxiety and foster a more solid self, which is the foundation for a clearer voice.

I’ve seen any number of devastated men in therapy who tell me their wives left them out of the blue. The wives, however, claim to have voiced their anger and dissatisfaction for a long time. Both are right: he hasn’t listened well enough; she hasn’t shared her thoughts about divorce clearly enough or early enough in the process. Often the wife does not make a serious issue of divorce until she’s finally made up her mind to leave. Any changes the husband then agrees to make are too little, too late. In the end, neither spouse has had an opportunity to test the potential for change in their marriage.

You wouldn’t want a supervisor to be criticizing you and giving you negative feedback when the real message is, “These are the specific things that need to change in order for you to keep this job.”

Interestingly, adults understand that children need us to praise specific traits, qualities, and behaviors. We don’t just say “You’re a great kid” and “I love you so much.” We also say “You did a good job setting the table,” or “I think you were very courageous to tell your friend how you felt.” Grown-ups also need to hear the specifics, and frequently at that.

Finding our own voice requires us to examine our core values about how we want to navigate relationships, and not simply to behave in reaction to how the other person treats us (“Well, if my son never calls me, I’m not going to call him”).

Men choose not to talk because they don’t know how to make themselves heard, because they believe that problems get worse when you talk about them, because they dread conflict and criticism, or because they fear getting trapped in a conversation that feels awful. Many

When it comes to their family of origin, men often tell me that everything is fine. Translation: The relationship appears calm because it’s distant. I suggested that Bill talk to his mother. He thought he was talking to her, but he actually shared very little of himself. He also needed to be more creative in asking his mother questions, since “How are you doing, Mom?” predictably elicited the nonresponse “Pretty good.”

This made things go smoothly between us, but we had a pretty superficial relationship. Maybe

We naturally become defensive when a family member begins to criticize us. We listen to refute or correct what is unfair or wrong in their comments. Sometimes we need to decide in advance that we will try to listen differently—that all we will do is listen and ask questions that will allow us to better understand where the other person is coming from.

One mother ran a stop sign and hit another car, with her sixteen-year-old daughter in the passenger seat next to her. The mother escaped with minor bruises, but her daughter sustained serious injuries that required two surgeries and a long period of rehabilitation. Of course, the mother was beside herself with guilt, grief, and remorse. She also dreaded her daughter’s unspoken anger. Several times a day, this mother would tell her daughter how sorry she was and how she would never forgive herself. When the daughter expressed emotional or physical distress, the mother would say, “If only it was me, not you. I’d give anything to change places with you!” The daughter began to feel angry, crowded, and disempowered by her mother’s constant focus on how painful it was to see her suffer. “Enough already!” she shouted at her mother one morning. “This is my suffering, and I’ll deal with it. Go take your suffering someplace else.” The mother, to her credit, got the message and entered therapy to cope with her guilt.

Someone important to you may not be willing to speak at all. He or she may distance emotionally or even bolt from the scene.

This challenge is hardest if we feel silenced and shut out through no fault of our own, and if we feel the depressed or angry emotions that normally accompany a terrible rejection. Finding a voice requires us to consider how we will speak and act (or not) in a relationship, based on our core values and beliefs—not simply in reaction to the other person’s behavior or our own intense emotionality.

Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting or whitewashing the other person’s behavior. It means protecting ourselves from the corrosive effects of staying stuck. Chronic anger and bitterness dissipate our energy and sap our creativity. Each

YOU’VE GOT TO LEARN TO LEAVE THE TABLE WHEN LOVE’S NO LONGER BEING SERVED

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distance and cutoff don’t imply a lack of feeling, as we commonly assume.

Rather, distance and cutoff speak to an intensity of emotion that makes contact too difficult.

An important family member may choose to treat us as if we don’t exist. But if it’s not congruent with our values to respond in kind, we shouldn’t.

If we are untrue to ourselves, we live disconnected lives, and we cannot love ourselves or anybody else very well.

Having an authentic voice is not about speaking from a place of angry reactivity, righteousness, or criticism. Rather, it’s about constructing a more solid and whole self, modeling the behavior we want from others, and thinking about relationship problems with clarity, creativity, and wisdom.

We’ve seen how hard it is to be fully emotionally present, without defensiveness or distraction, when confronted with the other person’s anger, criticism, suffering, or just plain kvetching. We need to define the limits of our capacity to listen and refuse to engage in hurtful or downward-spiraling conversations.

When people suffer, they often suffer twice, first because they have lived through something painful, and second, because family members or close friends either don’t want to hear about it or don’t communicate a wish to hear about all of it.