The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate

by Harriet Lerner

In this safe space, they learned to talk openly together rather than to continue “protecting” each other from painful facts and feelings. For Pamela, the hardest emotional piece was the shame she felt at being ill and dependent, and even for simply having less energy and ability than she did before. Over time, she was able to give voice to her shame, expose it to the light of day, confront it, and cut it down to size. She could not exorcise it entirely from her day-to-day experience, but she learned to greet shame—like fear—as an uninvited visitor who could be counted on to come and go. And she didn’t let shame stop her from giving voice to her needs and accepting comfort and help. Sam also learned to give voice to his vulnerability. He learned to say, “There are limits to what I can do.” He needed to pay attention to when he was absorbing more stress than he could handle, so that he could take better care of himself. This was a huge challenge for Sam, who tended to keep functioning until he was physically exhausted and totally depleted. So Sam, too, became more expert at sharing vulnerability, at letting Pamela as well as their friends and family know when he needed help and support for himself.