The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate

by Harriet Lerner

When he was uncertain about what Pamela would find most supportive, he learned to ask her. Did she want him to simply listen and ask questions? Did she want to hear more about his own feelings about her situation? Did she want advice or help making a plan? Would she feel reassured if Sam expressed confidence in her ability to manage her illness over time—or would she feel he was offering false reassurance and minimizing her struggle? Would she like him to go rent a video to distract her from feeling down? Sam also learned to cry with her, a remarkable achievement, especially since he had the false notion that he was “protecting” her by hiding his own grief and “being strong” for her when she was feeling weak. They learned that grieving together did not cause them to lose their capacity for strength. Instead, it brought them closer together.