Shopgirl

by Steve Martin

This third date is also problematic because after warning Jeremy that she is not going to pay half of its cost, she is taken to a bowling alley and forced to pay for her own rental shoes. Jeremy explains that bowling shoes are an article of clothing, and he certainly can’t be expected to pay for what she wears on a date. If only Jeremy’s logical mind could be applied to astrophysics and not rental shoes, he would now be a honcho at NASA.

Occasionally, the cat jumps on the bed and bats at Jeremy’s testicles as if they were hanging balls of catnip, causing a disastrous delay in the action.

At thirty-two, Lisa does not know about forty, and she is unprepared for the time when she will actually have to know something in order to have people listen to her.

She slides into bed at exactly midnight, after amusing herself by feeding her cats with a bowl that says “good dog.”

IT IS NOW THE MIDDLE of November, and the smell of Thanksgiving is in the air, which means that Christmas is waiting in the oven.

He doesn’t understand the subtleties of slights and pains, that it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

It is this anonymous quality, like being on vacation in an expensive hotel room, that makes you want to take off your clothes and start fucking.

And if Ray’s solitary dinner at home were broadcast on satellite, the world would learn that millionaires, too, eat their dinners out of a white paper bag while standing in the kitchen. Even Mirabelle knows not to do that, as the self-prepared dinner is a great time killer for lonely people, and as much time should be spent on it as possible.

But whatever his thought process was, whatever he told himself was the right thing to do, was false. Because his logic is not based in any understanding of her heart, and he continues to misread her.

Her nipples are the color of bubble gum, and the silicone makes them resilient enough to chew like bubble gum, and now, between her legs, is the nicest little piece o’ property west of Texas.

“I think for a lie to be effective, it must have three essential qualities.” The booming voices of the men fade and the trebles of the women trail off. Ray Porter quietly worries inside. “And what are those?” says a voice. “First, it must be partially true. Second, it must make the hearer feel sorry for you, and third, it must be embarrassing to tell,” says Mirabelle. “Go on,” the room implies. “It must be partially true to be believable. If you arouse sympathy you’re much more likely to get what you want, and if it’s embarrassing to tell, you’re less likely to be questioned.”

He pulls her into him, her forehead on his shoulder. He knows that he loves her, but he cannot figure out in what way.

In an act of self-preservation, she no longer makes love to him, and because he finally cares about her fully, he doesn’t try.

Sometimes they lie in bed and Mirabelle relates the entire plot of a Victorian novel, and Jeremy is so captivated and engrossed that he believes the events in the story are happening right now, to him.

“it’s pain that changes our lives.”