Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know

by Meg Meeker

Let me tell you a secret: many daughters challenge their fathers too. They’ll dive into a power struggle with you, not to see how tough you are, but to see how much you really care about them. So remember that when she pushes hard against your rules, flailing, crying that you are mean or unfair, she is really asking you a question: Am I worth the fight, Dad? Are you strong enough to handle me? Make sure she knows the answer is yes.

True masculinity is the moral exercise of authority. And your little girl needs it.

don’t ever take personally the venom spewing from her lovely tongue. She’s still a kid. So you lead; don’t let her.

Instead of saying, “I love you because you’re so beautiful,” tell her that you love her because there is no one else in the world like her.

the part of the brain young people need the most to develop good judgment and decision-making develops last! According to new studies, the pre-frontal cortex usually does not reach a level of genuine maturity until someone reaches their mid-twenties. “It’s sort of unfair to expect [teens] to have adult levels of organizational skills or decision-making before their brains are finished being built,”

Many fathers complain that their teenage daughters won’t talk to them. They’re usually wrong. It’s just that these fathers have discouraged their daughters from talking to them. Daughters won’t talk if they know the result will be only constant reprimand and correction. Daughters want their fathers to listen while they unravel their own tangled feelings and beliefs. If a daughter can trust her dad to listen, she will come to him again and again to talk.

Most parents pull away from their teenage daughters, assuming they need more space and freedom. Actually, your teenage daughter needs you more than ever. So stick with her. If you don’t, she’ll wonder why you left her.

From what I’ve seen in my office, the evidence is overwhelming: girls who are emotionally solid and intellectually and morally sound are girls with humility, who understand that they have to fit into the family, and that the family doesn’t orbit around them.

Teaching your daughter humility is a wonderful gift. And it can be taught only by example.

When a daughter has a good relationship with her dad, she very easily and naturally bonds with God. If, on the other hand, you berate her, make sarcastic comments, or are outright cruel to her, she will steer away from God. I have seen over and over again in my practice that girls with good fathers pick good husbands, and girls with good fathers put their trust and faith in God.

you need to understand that your daughter’s emotions are overflowing with impulses that, if acted upon, could lead her toward self-destruction. Your job, as a man, as her father, is to help her keep her emotions in check. It is really quite simple to do, but it takes a tremendous amount of strength and perseverance. And you have to do it, because you will do it better than her mother. Her mother can empathize, but you can guide.

Many parents believe, wrongly, that teens have the cognitive skills to be able to “make good choices” on their own. But teenagers are much more driven by feelings than they are by reason.

Even if she was provoked, your daughter needs you to help her separate her feelings from her behaviors. Teach her, over and over again, that she shouldn’t always respond to her feelings. Make her practice. If she learns how to do this, she will get along better with others. Just as important, she will feel much more in control of herself.

Give her a set of clear moral guidelines. To do this, you need moral clarity in your mind, and preferably in your life as well. If you don’t want her to lie, don’t ask her to tell the phone solicitor that you’re not home. If you want her to speak respectfully to others and to you, take charge of your tongue. Don’t let insults or swear words fly around your house. If you don’t want her to get drunk, don’t drink too much.

“Adolescence” isn’t biologically normal. Yes, your daughter will change during puberty, but these changes are physical. The whole image we have of adolescent rebellion and independence comes not from the biochemistry of your daughter; it is—and has been—contrived by modern marketing. It’s a “product” you and your daughter don’t have to buy. The idea that parents should leave their teenagers alone only makes it easier to sell this product to your daughter, and actually causes or exacerbates what we think of as “adolescent problems.”

Experts will tell you that most of what we communicate to another person comes not from what we say, but from our body language. And women are much more sensitive to body language than men are. So when you’re with your daughter, focus on her. Don’t take her to dinner and constantly glance at the table next to you. She’ll notice, and she won’t feel the important sense of engagement she otherwise would.

Many days we are disappointed. We find ourselves grasping for that elusive “something” that will make us feel more complete. But the more we search for it, the more distant it becomes, because what we’re searching for is sitting right there. It’s not your job or your hobbies. It’s not more money or more sex. It’s your family—your children, your spouse—and God. They are the real center of our lives. Men who figure this out find what they’re looking for. Men who don’t are never truly happy and satisfied.